Splicing of Changes (Editing)

Chapter 40

Nothingness. Oblivion. A perfect recipe for summer.

No feelings. No wondering about who am I hurting. Who I can hurt, or who can hurt me? Because as it turns out I hurt people without even knowing. Diane was a perfect example. Another one well that is my sister, Tori.

After the letter. I tried to let Tori see the real me. The one that is broken. I would say beyond repair now. Funny how there was a time when I thought having my sister back in my life would solve every problem I ever had. Little did I know I am a problem in itself. I tried to talk to Tori about Maize. Couldn't. Because I never can. I end up crying more like wailing. Tori tried to or still does try to comfort me. But for me once was enough. I tried again but that time I could not even say anything before I ended up crying again. Yeah, it hurts too much. Maize will forever have not only my heart but my soul too. Finding your soulmate at a young age is rare. Then losing them. Yeah. Got no words for it.

I tried to talk to my friends. Well, tried is the big word here. Because I really did. I told them that Diane and I broke up. I told them Diane dumped me because I am an idiot. They tried to comfort me. Then ask me why. That's the biggest question isn't it. But I could not say. I just said she loves me, but I don't. Silver asks me why? Or how do I know if I love her or not. She is a big believer that people don't find love at our age. Well, I did once. And that's how I know. Charlie was quiet. As usual. June and Jake helped me. They were good. But seeing them together didn't help. Danny helped a little. Alice too. Jeffrey joined Charlie in being quiet. Mark and Amy were busy. They are going to the same college, and they are a little busy with that.

Then started the parties. Cannot believe it was the end of June by then. With parties came alcohol and my oblivion. I so love to get drunk and remain there. I don't remember much of the stuff I do drunk. But I have heard that I dance or try to, apparently. We do smoke as well. And I join them every day. I stay at the hangout most times than going home. If I am home, I stay in my room. With only Alex coming in from time to time. But I am sure Tori or Liz would ask her to stop coming to my room because of how much of a bad influence I am. I am the worst. I drink, I smoke, I curse. I should not be allowed near children. I am a mess.

Fourth of July was last week. It was a fun time. We had barbecue and us friends celebrated it on July third among us at our hangout. Then on fourth we were with our families. It was different than the ones I have ever spent. I have never spent with family or with friends. They always included some form of business party. It was supposed to be casual. But Mr. Monroe always made it extremely formal. Although that is why nobody liked to attend it anymore. But he held it every year. Last year it included some political agenda to it. And there was the least amount of people ever. He did not let his staff take a holiday. Instead, he insisted they bring people to his party, which was a bust. I remember sneaking out with Aaron and then going to a party nearby. That was fun.

This week is pretty much boring. There are less parties now. That in turn means less amount of alcohol available. And I do not like to be sober now. I suggested we buy some. Most of them agreed without thinking except someone said I am drinking too much. I think it was Charlie. But I do not know for sure. Tori almost stopped talking to me. Liz talks to me. James is still fun to be around. I try to be sober when I am at home. Because I do not want the kids to hate me too, which I am pretty sure Tori does. That reminds me the latest lecture I heard. It does not include my newest forms of addictions. Or maybe not new. Considering I used to drink and go to parties earlier as well. I did stop that after coming here. But now I am back at it again.

So, apparently, I kiss people when I am drunk. Not sure if it is true or not. Cannot remember a single detail. Also, don't recall people asking me anything about it afterwards. Hence, it must be a rumor. Well Tori heard it and told me to not bring anyone home. Friend or otherwise. No one is allowed because even though I have my own room, Alex and James still come into my room. I tried to tell Tori that it is a lie. Only a rumor she dismissed it saying whatever it is, she would rather be cautious. I guess believing me is hard these days. It's not like I lied to Tori. I just never told her about the accident. Also, she knew about Maize and me, so it was not a shock when I told her how much I miss her. Yet afterwards she acted like I never told her anything. Well, I guess I didn't, but I thought I did. Maybe I am too drunk to remember it.