I am a burglar by trade,
Quite a fortune I have made,
Stealing people's bits and bobs,
While they're out, doing their jobs.
Well, it beats going to work,
Like an ordinary jerk.
The tax man can't bother me,
And I pay no VAT.
Well, one day, I saw a house
Near the pub, The Dog & Grouse.
It was big, and rather posh,
Obviously full of dosh.
So I hatched a little plan,
Whereby I would be the man
To relieve them of their cash,
In and out, quick as a flash.
I'd return when it was dark,
Hang around outside the park,
And I'd have a little scout
To make sure they had gone out.
Then I'd sneak round to the back,
Shove my jemmy in a crack,
Then I would let myself in,
So I could do some burglin'.
I went back later that night,
When the moon was shining bright.
I surveyed that big, posh house,
All was quiet as a mouse.
There were no lights on at all,
In the front room, or the hall.
I was left without a doubt
That the owners had gone out.
So I nipped round to the back,
Took the jemmy from my sack,
And I prised open the door,
Like a hundred times before.
In the dark, I found the hall,
Slid my hand along the wall,
Till the handle of a door
Brushed against my thieving paw.
So I crept across the floor,
And I pushed open the door.
I tiptoed into the room,
No presentiment of doom.
As my hand reached for the light,
Well, I nearly died of fright!
Sudden brightness met my eyes,
Then a loud cry of "SURPRISE!"
As I looked around the room,
Well, my heart was filled with gloom,
For surrounding me I saw
Some officers of the law -
Round about fifty, or so!
How could I possibly know
That the house I'd tried to fleece
Would be full of the police?
'Twas a party for their boss,
Chief Superintendent Moss,
Who'd decided to retire
From his career with the Shire.
I had not known that the house
Belonged to Moss and his spouse.
As I perceived my mistake,
Both my knees began to shake.
So I turned around to leave,
But a copper grabbed my sleeve,
And he said, "The house you've picked,
Was a big mistake – you're nicked!"
And just then, in came the Chief,
His eyes wide with disbelief.
He said, "What a nice surprise,
A retirement bash – thanks, guys!"
Then he said, "Hello, hello!
Here's a face that I don't know!"
When the cops told him the fact
They had caught me in the act
Of trying to nick his stuff,
He said, "Oh dear, that is rough!
Any other house you'd picked,
And you might not have been nicked.
But you've made an epic fail,
So for you, my lad, it's jail!
But first, you will have to wait,
For I want to celebrate!"
Then they tied me to a chair,
And they forced me to sit there
While they drank, and ate nice food,
And enjoyed the party mood.
They did not give me one bite,
Nor a beverage, all night.
And then early the next morn,
A police car came at dawn.
They took me down to a cell,
With a very nasty smell.
As I heard them turn the key,
How I wanted to be free!
But I knew that I was trapped,
All my energy was sapped.
I know it's true what they say,
A life of crime doesn't pay.
Now I sit here, in the clink,
With nothing to do, but think
What an idiot I've been
To end up in Winson Green*!
*Winson Green is a prison, in Birmingham, England.
