Splicing of Changes (Editing)

Chapter 52

Welcome to my new normal.

If you ask me why I am saying it like this, I will tell you it's because this is anything but normal. I mean the way Lee and I are behaving. Because since the night we kissed and snuggled to each other before drifting off to sleep again, it's been different between us. Weird maybe if we had noticed it but since neither of us did. So not weird. We have not talked either. Especially regarding the kiss and the snuggling. Neither of us have even acknowledged that we kissed or that we snuggled while going back to sleep. I can lie and say I have thought about it. But that won't be true even a little. You see if I acknowledge that I would have to acknowledge the simple fact that I have indeed kissed Lee, my best friend and crush. Although I know for sure the feelings, I have for Lee are so much more stronger than just a crush. But hey I have a habit of running and true to my escape routes I will not accept the depth of my feelings for Lee. For if I do that means...Nope. Not doing that.

You see I have a ghost of my ex-girlfriend. I mean I don't know if Maize is a truly a ghost like if I really have a supernatural presence. Or if she is just a part of my imagination. I mean I will sound crazy if I tell someone I see Maize's ghost beside me and more importantly I talk to her. I think Tori knows but not to this extent or that I still see her and talk to her, now more frequently than before in fact. That would surely ensure a much, much different conversation than before. But I am not ready to let go of her all together. I am not ready to lose Maize or erase her from my life for forever. I will never be. That's a no brainer. So, in that sense I guess I am crazy. Crazy enough to hold onto some form of Maize. But will Maize truly ever leave if her heart literally beats for me? I am not sure, and I would lie if I said I want to find that out. I don't ever. There has been a time when I did not feel Maize. It felt like she was gone as I could not feel her, see her or hear her. And that was the worst time of my life. After that I have always felt her presence even if not being able to see her or talk to her. So never again in my life do I not want Maize to be with me. Whether as a ghost, my imagination, my subconscious or just as my heart. I want her beside me always. Okay now this sounds a little ridiculous but is it really though? I never got a handbook about how to deal when the love of your life dies after requesting her heart be given to you, so you get to live. Is there even a handbook for this sort of thing?

So anyway, about my feelings for a certain red headed beauty. Yeah, Maize knows about my feelings. Again, is it me who has feelings for Lee if it is Maize's heart? Ignoring my query as Maize never answers this question of mine. She knows about Lee, and she wants me to be happy. I am not sure I want to be though. Without Maize. Or if I can truly ever be happy without her. The thing that scares the shit out of me is the depth of what I feel for Lee as once I accept my feelings for her. My true feelings for Lee that is, I will feel like I am being happy without Maize, like I am moving on from her, like I am leaving Maize behind. And I cannot do that, nor do I want to. That is why I prefer running. Be it figuratively or literally.

About why I am calling it the new normal? Well, let's see when Lee and I woke up in the morning that day, we had apparently pecked each other. You can guess from the fact that I said apparently meaning I had no idea about it. Yes. I don't neither does Lee. We did not realize doing it. How? I have absolutely no idea. Someone saw us hence we know. It was none other than my little nugget, Alex. She came to my room and saw Lee and me sleeping with her being on top of me. I am assuming because she heard me crying last night or she just wanted to. But then she saw us wake up and witnessed us pecking each other as if that is such a normal thing to do among best friends. Not that she knows that part. Best part is we both did that unknowingly. Just like we behaved differently at breakfast. Apparently, we were very affectionate towards each other while eating. According to Tori who later told me we fed each other, we smiled as if we were sharing some inside joke. We even wiped crumbs from each other's faces. And we pecked yet again just before leaving the house. Weirdest part is I have no knowledge of doing any of those things. I did ask Lee and she laughed as if I joked. But well, I guess it is sort of a joke if you suddenly start behaving like this.