I WILL NEVER FALL FOR YOU

(36) I CANT DO IT WITHOUT HIM

Brooklyn

I was curled up on my bed in a ball in the same clothes that I was in the night Theodore was emitted and that was over a week ago. I haven't showered or left my room since I left his mother's home. I wasn't allowed to see him until he was stable and they said I would be the first to know but for now there was no updates on his states.

"Come on Brooke you need to at least shower theo would hate to see you like this. " Jayla stroked my hair gently. Jayla laikon and zane caught a plane straight here as soon as they could and after I told them because I knew Rayda wasn't going too. Laikon hasn't spent a single day not high and I know its because he didn't want to think about theo. I've caught him tearing up every time either me or Jayla would start to cry but then he would just leave with a blunt in his hand.

My whole world was falling down more than anyone knew. No one knew I was pregnant and that's how I'm going to  keep It no one's finding out before Theo. I took a test 2 days ago when my period didn't come even though my 7 days off the pill was up. Turns out constant sickness meant that I was throwing the birth control pill back up and it didn't work. And I broke my rhythm and one of Theo's swimmers got through.

"Brooke you still with me." I nod. "I started a bath for you and laikon's gone to get us all food I feel like a bath could be good for you. I know this is hard for you but it's hard for me too so I understand your pain." She's understands my pain. She's known Theo longer but she didn't love him the way I loved him or she would be the pregnant one right now not me she would be the one worrying that her baby might be born without a father not me.

I didn't want to talk to anyone and I especially didn't want to argue over who was hurting more so I did what she said and I slowly got off my bed. I walked like a sloth to my bathroom the bath was filled with steaming water and memories flooded of me sat between his legs as we shared a bath together and the way he laughed when he smothered my whole head in bubbles. Tears filled my eyes but a sob didn't rip until I saw his razor on my sink and his toothbrush in my cup holder.

I picked up the razor running my thumb over the handle. I should be grossed out by the hair stuck in-between the blades but instead I sobbed more as memories flood of the last time he was here and I made him trim down his beared to his usual cut because I missed his usual small mustache and small goatie.

I couldn't do this anymore I couldn't handle the waiting around I couldn't handle another day without seeing him. I couldn't handle knowing that I was carrying our baby without him knowing. And if his conditions got worse that this baby could be the last memory of him. But I need him and I can't have this baby without him.

I start to take off the t-shirt I had on and Jayla took it as her sign to leave. Once I complete submerged in water I leaned my head back against the tub trying my best not to cry. I missed him so much. Going from seeing him everyday to not seeing him at all hurts.

I miss his smile. I miss his smell. I miss his laugh. I miss his hair. I miss his large warm body embracing me and I miss his big soft lips on mine. I miss his hands on me and waking up to the smell of straight black coffee nearly everyday. I missed the straight up happiness I felt from being around him.

I stayed in the bath until the water went cold.

I didn't want to eat but I needed to for my baby's sake. I didn't know if I wanted to keep It. I am young and being a mom at around 21 when it would be born isn't ideal and it's not ideal for Theo especially because I don't know how long he would be in the hospital or the long lasting impact of his injurys.

"Here let me brush you hair." Jayla picks up my brush and starts gently brushing my hair detangling the week's worth of knots."do you wanna talk about it." She asks but I shake my head no. "I just want to see him that's all. I can't do it without him."
"Do what?" Have this baby...be me..live ,breath,sleep.

"Live" I tell her as she wipes a fallen tear.