Grey IV - Chains

Chapter 30 - Makes You Better

We put a couple of hours between us and Holden before stopping. But then I had to get out, to be away from the thing that looked like James, but somehow wasn't. My eyes kept returning to him, and his were always waiting, just staring, his face unmoving, his eyes flat. Ailech walked with me swiftly across the lot. I knew he was staying close in case I needed him, but this wasn't something he could heal away. I just needed air, space, maybe a strong drink.

My brother was serenely humming as he sucked on the edge of his sleeve to wet it and clean any last remnants of James' blood from his face in the driver's side mirror before going off to secure another vehicle. I caught Ailech watching him and gave him a look. He answered quietly.

"I think I get how you feel - about James - at least a little bit."

He leaned back on the brick building behind us, trying for nonchalance despite his words. But I couldn't help it, my eyes widened incredulously.

"No - not the whole connected-souls, mated-True-Pair-whatever, prophesied-thing, not that at all, but just...believing he's good, or still can be, even if he's fucked up."

He paused and I shrugged, wishing I agreed more, wishing I still believed in James how I used to, how Ailech believed in Malachi despite everything he had done. But I only felt empty when I looked at my Pair, empty and sad and tired, so very tired. I glanced to James without meaning to, again. He still sat in the back of the car, staring out, wrists and ankles bound just like Malachi had been when we first brought him to the Vault.

Ailech continued, filling the silence I had left.

"I mean, I know it's different, because James is...well...and Malachi isn't, you know," he made a grr face, "I don't know. He's fucked up but sometimes it's fun, sometimes I like it."

"Fun? I mean - do you like him?"

Now it was his turn to give me an incredulous look.

"I like Nevaeh," he said flatly.

"Really? Because you haven't seen or talked or mentioned her in weeks."

"I've seen her." The pitch of his voice sounded dishonest.

"Seen seems telling," I pressed.

He rolled his eyes but conceded. "Malachi's practice has been working and I've been able to get back to the Vault for weeks," he muttered the end.

"Oh. I didn't know you've been visiting Nev."

I felt stupid for not knowing actually, like a bad leader, and guilty for not also reaching out to Kael or Abby, or...anyone in the past weeks. It just seemed too normal, like I was moving on, betraying James and his death somehow by living my life as I had before.

"...I haven't been."

"But you just said-"

"I know what I said. It's complicated," he snapped and I had to bite back my first retort. I took a calming breath and counted to four before answering.

"I think I can manage to follow along. My life is hardly simple." I glanced at my Pair again, his wide figure looming in the car.

"Yeah, okay fine. She makes me feel - I don't know - peace, calm. And that's fine, I mean, it's nice. But when we were at the Vault, she reminded me that I was Human, just Human, that I was weak. She made me weak, or, she let me be weak, because, well - she's weak too. And that isn't an insult, it's just the truth. She and I both knew it, we talked about it often enough. We were both always surrounded by beings like you and James or Abby or even her parents, and we were just...us. But I don't feel weak when I'm around Malachi. He isn't weak. And he makes me strong too, he brought me back stronger, he brought me back so I'm not just a Human anymore. I'm not afraid when I'm with him...and I'm so sick of being afraid."