You Must Remember This

Chapter 43 - Coming together

Wakanda, 2016

Something was happening. Bucky realized it the moment he saw Steve disappear into the bathroom and Nat avert herself. He caught a flicker of surprise and shock in her expression just a few moments after she put her earpiece in. His was nowhere to be found, so he couldn't listen in. Whatever. It's not like he could do anything, even if there was a problem. He was stuck in this godforsaken room for another two days, thanks to Steve and Shuri. 

Bucky moved, trying to get into a better position, but the restraints weren't helping him with that. Suddenly, his hand touched Evelyn's journal. He looked down, heart rate picking up at the sight of it. The restraint on his arm was far above the elbow, and with a stretchy band for movability, so there was nothing preventing him from holding it close enough to read, yet... 
Steve's words echoed through Bucky's mind. So far, Evelyn hadn't once mentioned that she'd loved him, yet Steve appeared convinced of that fact. He didn't remember her telling him anything about it either, but then again, he'd only recently recalled his own feelings for her. Was there really something in the next pages that revealed she loved him back? Steve'd mentioned some personal stuff as well, so... maybe? 

But how? How could she love me after what I did to her? 

He closed his eyes, hoping the memories would surface on its own. Images fluttered past like butterflies, but nothing stuck. Bucky grunted in pain and annoyance when the by-now-familiar stabbing in his head flared up again. Zola was damn lucky he was six feet under, else Bucky would put that miserable toad through the same thing he had to endure. See how that son of a bitch liked it. 
Once again, the diary drew his attention, luring him in with Evelyn's siren voice. He reached out. His hand trembled as he hesitated only the briefest second and then picked it up. Before he opened it, Bucky glanced through the glass screen into Widow's room. Steve had come out of the bathroom and was seated with his back to him, while Natasha held a glass of water to her lips. Bucky rolled his eyes. Could they be anymore obvious? 

Not your problem right now, Barnes. Focus. Like Steve said, you owe it to yourself and Evelyn. Especially Evelyn. 

Bucky took a deep breath and opened to journal to the last page he read. Tears threatened to overtake him again as he scanned the words, but he swallowed them down. Evelyn had. So should he. 

'It hurt. I won't lie and claim otherwise. Yet despite that, the Soldier was... I'm not sure if considerate is the right word, but I can't really describe it as anything else. He considered what I consented to and didn't want him to do, while also being fierce. And possessive. Every time he pushed into me, he kept telling me I was his. I didn't come to understand the gravity of those words until much later, though. He was a man who was perceived as a thing, so for him to own something, to have someone to himself — even if it was just for those few minutes — made him feel more human, I suppose. More... real. 
Anyway, it was over quickly. The drugs Zola gave you were far too potent, so he couldn't hold on for very long. I was examined by a fellow nurse, who confirmed we had intercourse, and only then was Nikolai allowed to take the Soldier down to the lower levels of the base. The rest of that day is blurry. I remember going to my room and crying in the shower. Out of pain but also frustration. Exhaustion. Everything. 
I went through the motions the next days, ignoring everyone and everything. Then, a week later, something unexpected happened, and I found myself alone with you. And we finally had a long overdue talk.'

***

HYDRA base, Siberia, July 4, 1946

"How many are sick?"

"Too many to count," said Nikolai, his voice crackling through the phone. "We've already lost five, but I fear more casualties. People are dropping like flies, and we're still no closer to finding the cause. The research team suspects the culture that spilled in the chemistry lab three days ago must've gotten in the water somehow, but they now think it's spreading through human contact as well. Either way, with Zola down as well, I'm the lead medical officer. I've put up a lockdown. Everyone but essential personnel is restricted to their rooms to keep contamination from spreading any further."