In the Closet (boy x boy)

20. Fear within the Fearless

Sunday, April 16th

An ordinary expression, ordinary mouth and ordinary teeth pairing into an ordinary smile, ordinary lips that have crashed against Tavish McCloud's, ordinary eyebrows, ordinary eyes that struggle with oversharing issues, ordinary chin, ordinary ears, ordinary temples that Tavish McCloud has pecked, ordinary hair, ordinary neck that Tavish McCloud has littered with bites and marks. However much I stare at the ordinary boy staring back at me in the mirror, I don't see what I would wish to. I don't see someone worth inviting to a formal party. I don't see someone "pretty". I see the miserable remainders of the boy I was before. I see someone who should stop trying so hard because he just ridicules himself over and over. I straighten my bow-tie, without however straightening my crippling insecurity. I flatten the neckline of my favourite button up, my self-hatred peaks. Barb tuts near me and she enters my sight in the mirror.

"It's not by scowling at the mirror that you're going to puzzle out yourself," she tells me as if I was the most intricate enigma she has ever encountered. I rather be seen as a compelling enigma than as a charity case anyway. The only thing is, I didn't need to be a riddle to myself as well. I sigh, ripping my blurring gaze from myself. The prospect of tears makes my throat tighten, my hands quake and my spirits crash. I'm so tired of me. Barb shifts her scolding glare into a more empathetic one. She pats my suit-clad back and smiles gently.

"You don't have to go, Billy. Listen to your feelings." What do my feelings tell me? That I feel like a loser, that's what. And that loser doesn't want to disappoint the one of the only persons who have displayed minimal interest in him. So that loser is going to cheer the fuck up, shove his insecurity us his ass and go to that party, no matter what.

--- 

"Get out of my car, Billy," Barb orders as she shoves me. I cling to the handlebar harder, frozen in my place. "Now," she urges. I shake my head.

"He hates me, Barb. And I hate him too. This was a bad idea." She clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth and claps a hand against my cheek a couple times. I blink, overwhelmed.

"I don't know who you're trying to lie to anymore. Me? Him? Or you?" I pretend I didn't hear her. The pattern of raindrops plopping into puddles fascinates me momentarily.

"Okay, Billy." I turn my attention to her. "You're a handsome kid, okay. Even Tavish agrees. So go rock his world and stop brooding for fuck's sake," she says, punctuating her sentence with a harsh slap at my jaw.

"Ow!" I flinch. She chuckles.

"Welcome back." Her smile fades. "Now, out of my car." I sigh in defeat and exit the vehicle in the pouring rain, racing against the weeping weather to the door.

"Rock his world, Billy!" I hear Barb scream behind me. I pretend she means it in a purely decent way but I'm not convinced.

I enter the building. The first floor is a simple reception. The company that owns the building is a venue supplier after all. I wonder how many celebrations are taking place at the same time.

"Can I help you?" the receptionist asks.

"Yes. I was invited to the McCloud's... soiree." With a nod, a couple questions, and a rehearsed smile, I'm rising to the penthouse level in an elevator, head full with instructions on navigating the place.

I manage to breach the entry to some grand doors and find a dimly lit gray room buzzing with people in fancy attires. A crystal chandelier dangles from the ceiling, expensive art pieces are hung on the walls along with a plaque displaying their exorbitant prices. Plates of fancy hors d'oeuvres are lined across a stretching table. People discuss business deals, and funding projects, and tax evasion, probably. This isn't me, all this. This is another universe that won't ever unite with mine. This was a bad idea, I reiterate my earlier statement in my head. I spin around but don't have time to start walking away that a delicate hand settles on my shoulder. I slowly glance back to see Aqua beaming at me.