I've Come to the Conclusion

Chapter 1

Name: London S. Peace

Age: 26

Occupation: Surviving my life

Entry 1

Friday: September 30, 2015

8:42 p.m.

Listen.  

I've come to the conclusion that there's no right or wrong way to do this.  My initial thought was to inaugurate this journal with a colorful antithesis. Something like. . .my heart pounds rebelliously against my sternum, timid whispers of aggressive words, as I write nothing about everything.

But then I had to remind myself of how my life isn't really that eloquently complicated. Plus, that antithesis makes my head spin. I can only "speak it as I live it". I'd rather not use riddles and conundrums. My documentation will remain simple and clear.

But this journal almost didn't happen. At the core of my apprehension is the fact that I'm highly insecure. Trying to unravel and measure out the young woman staring back at me in the mirror is a constant struggle. I equate this feeling of finding myself to navigating a minefield full of tripwires. I have managed to step on plenty of them so far. So this journal is long overdue. I have plenty to say, but because of my reserved nature, the idea of opening the door to my personal life is as seductive as having all of my teeth yanked out by the roots.

However, it's become my focus. I want to talk about myself. I can't explain why. Only that, I feel this sudden urgency to write. I have this crazy notion that I will fade like spring snow if I don't. Irrational? Maybe. And what are the rules for letting people in? Perhaps only an inch of flesh at a time? Just in case the water is too hot. This will take some getting used to. And if journaling becomes too much of a complicated thing, then I'll simply end it.

Am I allowed to be blunt? I mean...I could stay within the lines and quickly fill these pages with random entries.  Nothing but pleasant, fluffy, noteworthy occasions. But then I'd be constantly aware of the void.  The pages missing drama, grime, and all the nasty details. And that seems to defeat the purpose of doing this.

I'll be an open book. I'll show the grey patches of my life where vibrant colors should be. The parts we want to step over very quickly.  You catch my drift.  Stuff we'd rather forget like unwanted weeds poking through the cracks. I've heard it said before that it's a mistake to forget. Those kinds of demons always have a way of coming back. They're like old friends that were bad for you. But you allow yourself to forget why and let them back in, only to make the same stupid moves. We should learn from our past, right?

I'm selfish and self-centered. Let's get that out of the way first. But in my defense, I tend to attract people who deserve to get that side of me. And lately, I have felt singled out by dark forces based on my personal little bubble of problems. I am beginning to understand the malicious nature of what lies between the fractures of our common human experiences. The stuff that leaks when we are at our lowest point. Jealousy, insecurities, hatred, tendencies towards the illogical. Like anyone else, my life is etched with highs and lows. Mostly, time-wasting bullshit at the end of the day. I think I've just been distracting myself from living my best life. 

So where to begin?

Let's start with a low since that's where I was until very recently. My social life has been a rather unpleasant climate for some time.  A series of disappointments and constant annoyances. Full of vile individuals who dream of my downfall. I'm twenty-six years old and still have yet to find the right rhythm.  Just when I think I'm good, things fall to pieces. I have learned that this isn't always bad. As my mother would say,