To Be Honest (MxM) (18+)

Chapter 12: Close

CW: Brief discussions of BDSM and sex, and allusions to over-valuing somebody's virginity

Chapter 12: Close

Ciden has to be getting tired of me by now. Over the past couple days of simply sailing, I've spent as much time with him as possible. Getting to know him, mostly. He's so easy to be around, especially when he smiles. I've learned a lot about him, actually, from his favorite flowers to his favorite insects to his favorite kind of cheese. He gives out information pretty freely, and is always interested in my own answers to questions.

Despite this closeness, I've still been unable to work up the courage to ask about how he knew who he liked. Every time I try, the words die in my throat and I back out and change subjects. He seems to know something is up, though, as he always looks at me weirdly when it happens.

I'm cleaning up in the kitchen when Ciden bursts into the small room, gently turning me around to face him. "Out with it, the suspense is killing me!"

"Um...what?" I ask, still trying to process that he's in the room and now standing just mere inches away.

"Whatever it is you keep wanting to say and then not saying, I'm too impatient for this. Please, just tell me. Is something I've been doing upsetting you? I need to know if it is. I won't be upset with you."

"No, it's not...that. It's just...I've been wanting to ask you a personal question but I don't want to go too far. I'm probably already being annoying, so I don't...I don't want you to start hating me."

"You haven't been annoying; I like that you want to spend time with me. It's fun! What is it you've wanted to ask me?"

Oh, right now. Of course right now. He doesn't look like he's going to let me get out of this. I take a deep breath, fidgeting with one of the wooden mugs from the table. "I just...I was wondering...if you'd want to...how did you know you like boys? Or preferred them, whichever. How did you figure that out?"

"That's it? You've been dancing around that for days? Really?" Ciden grins at me, slinging an arm around my shoulders before he continues. "I didn't figure it out for a very long time, first off. I kind of knew that I liked both boys and girls when I was little, but I didn't understand or process how I felt about boys until I was a teenager. I think I was around...12 or 13. There was a boy in the village over that came by a lot. His mother needed a lot of medicine. He was so...handsome. He was the first boy that really made me realize that I looked at boys and girls the same way. That was the sort of...point of no return. I couldn't ignore that I found boys very attractive anymore. It was, admittedly, distressing."

"Because of how people feel?" I guess.

Ciden nods. "But I wasn't too distressed, because I thought...and told myself, that I liked both equally. So I was only half upset about it, I guess? I was halfway safe."

"...How did you find out you liked boys more, though? If you liked both?"

Ciden smiles, clearly looking back on a fond memory as his eyes are incredibly soft and warm. "I snuck around with that boy from the village over when I was 14, and it...His kisses weren't, objectively, as good as the girlfriend I had had. He was a poor kisser, overall. But they felt nicer. They made me feel... Incredible. Electric, in a way. Girls never...never felt quite that nice. If I had to guess, I'd say my preferences are...closer to 75/25. I've been working on being more accepting of that since coming here. Simone helps a lot with my acceptance of it."

"He does? How...how does he help?"

"In a lot of ways. He's entirely confident in his own sexuality, which helps a lot. He's shameless about it, too. And he encourages my preferences. It's...nice, to have someone consistently telling you that there's nothing wrong with how you feel. He invites me to go drinking with him, so I can try and find someone."