To Be Honest (MxM) (18+)

Chapter 14: Thoughts

The door slamming feels so final. My pleading didn't do anything, though it hadn't worked any other time I begged somebody for something. It still hurt just as much. I can hear Simone stomping away at first, until my heart starts to pound in my chest and my blood rushes in my ears, muffling everything else.

My chest hurts almost as much as it had when I was choking on seawater. I really don't want to pass out again, but all I can think about is how upset Simone was. I should have done more to deny it, or made up a lie that I had fallen on my own. I should have argued. Staying quiet gave him an answer. I should have done something better.

"Xian."

Panicking is even worse after the experience of today. It's never been pleasant, but after almost drowning, feeling my chest tighten as I start to hyperventilate is downright terrifying. My hands are shaking. I still haven't had the time to process that I'm wearing someone else's too-big clothes, and that I'm not in the cabin I share with Sally.

All I can think about is all the awful stories I'd heard over the years. Simone gutted somebody once. They found him behind a tavern with his intestines hanging out. And those kingdom guards that were found with their skulls bashed in. The one he stabbed in the eye. Slashed throats. People strangled with a belt. So many gorey stories. For the first time in a while, I feel my hands shaking when I think about Simone. It's almost worse that he's seemed so tame since I stowed away. It almost made me forget that he was said to be ruthless. That disconnect hurts. Both things can't be true.

Can they?

"Xian," Ciden repeats, grabbing my arm. "Look at me."

"Don't...don't want...He's going to...I don't want anyone to get hurt or die be-because of me."

"Nobody's going to die," Ciden says gently. "We can worry about that later. Right now, I need you to breathe. Calm down, okay? Take a deep breath." He rubs my arm lightly, his own breathing exaggeratedly loud and slow. His hands are warm. It's easy to focus on that sensation as he keeps running a hand up and down my arm. "Breathe with me, okay?"

I nod shakily, reaching up to brush away my tears as best as I can. It's useless since the panicked tears keep coming. Ciden's face is blurry through them, but his golden eyes are just as bright as ever. It's comforting. His eyes have become comforting and familiar already.

"There you go. Deep breaths." Ciden's voice is so gentle. "You're doing great, Xian."

I hate how long it takes for me to calm down. After nearly ten minutes, I end up sitting cross legged on the bed, hugging myself. There are still tears slowly running down my face, but I've stopped hyperventilating. My worries about Simone linger, though. He hadn't even yelled at me all that much. Part of me wants him to come back and properly yell at me, because I had disobeyed an order. I'd rather him scream and hit me than get mad at somebody else. I'm the one who messed up, I need to feel the consequences.

Ciden leans forward, folding his arms on the edge of the bed. "Listen, I promise...Simone's not gonna kill anybody on the ship. The worst he'll do is shout and rough Murphy up a bit. How are you feeling?"

I want to protest that. Simone had seemed livid. Surely he's going to do more than that? But Ciden is so keen to change the subject that I find myself struggling to take stock of what I feel, at least physically.

"My throat hurts...my eyes hurt...my stomach hurts...But I'm not cold anymore."

"You're welcome," Ciden says, beaming with pride. "Simone's clothes certainly help, though."

I look down at myself, finally taking in what I'm wearing. The coat is very thick fabric and lined with something soft, dark red and covered in intricate detailing. The pants are plain, but similarly thick. It's all much too big for me. "Simone's clothes?"