A Tumbler Full of Tales - ICT and beyond (ON HOLD)

Hesitation - (MS Dhoni centric)

Hesitation

A/N - I am trying to be a little less verbose and a little more crisp. Hopefully it works.

Looking forward to hear from all of you. This OS has my heart. Your comments always make the reading so much more insightful.

Thanks for all the support always.

If I am not for myself

Who will be for me

And If I am not for others

What am I?

And if not now, when?

——— Hillel the Elder.

I was known for having good instincts. And yet, very few realised that hesitation armoured most of my moves; sometimes, all of them.

I was a master at camouflaging my behaviour, I always had been. Even as a kid. More often than not, I would withdraw into myself and they would leave me alone.

"He is a quiet kid" they would say and it was left at that. I would breathe a sigh of relief.

It was not so when it came to sports. On a ground, any ground, I knew my place and it was all I had ever required. Be it as a goalkeeper, as a wicketkeeper batsman or during my relatively brief tenure as a bowler; once I had been delegated my duties, there would be absolute clarity.

Mostly.

I became that one kid who would trail in the shadow of their parent's whenever they would be invited to a function, hesitating to let go of the instinctive restraint and to mingle around. It is not that I did not want to, I was always hesitating.

"Go and play with your cousins, Mahe."

I would drag my feet and stand at the outer edge of the group. I never wished to interrupt, to intervene; I never believed that they would want me with them. That they would want me in their team; pun intended.

The someone would notice me and would reach out; I would feel the burden shedding off and I would soon find my groove in the group.

But a lingering voice would remain which would make me keep looking for mannerisms signalling that they have had enough of my company. It would leave a lingering bad taste in its aftermath but it would only be my fault.

No friendship is an accident

O Henry

And then I had found friends. Friends of my own, friends to call my family. With them, there had been little to no hesitation but there would still be a part of me that would try to avoid going too far against my group's decision. More or less, I went with the web and flow of the existing circumstance and if it was too far out of my comfort zone, I would take a step back.

But I had been graced with good friends and they would drag me right back in, silently reassuring that my presence was not a deterrent. That they did not mind changing their plans if it meant that I would be more comfortable.

"You forget that I have had the honour of growing up with you, Mr. Mahendra Singh Dhoni. You cannot deceive Seemant Lohia, my friend."

I would duck my head and smile at Chittu; of course I have never been able to deceive him.

The moment I would step into my role during a cricket match, however, I would feel the burden fading away and I would not hesitate, not once, when a decision had to be taken.