I felt my knees go weak and my body collided with the ground. I felt nothing but infinite emptiness as I stared at the ashes of what used to be my home. It was as if a dark hole had emerged from the depths of my heart, sucking every feeling, every connection out of me. I heard thunder rumble across the ground. It was as if the heavens wanted to shake me, to wake me up from this nightmare.
A nightmare where I couldn’t comprehend anything at all. I still felt nothing.
I heard the landlady’s usual thudding footsteps near me. I felt her thick fingers squeezing my shoulder and I could hear her yelling, her angry screaming. I barely acknowledged her and her words. The heavy stench of ash and burnt plastic choked me, seeped into my lungs, telling me it was very real. A lurch like a wave bounded from inside, somewhere near my stomach.
Her powerful hands pulled on my shoulders, forcing me to turn around. The endless waves in my abdomen turned into tsunamis, threatening to spill over.
Why? Why have I lost everything yet again?
The thought echoed through my head about a thousand times in a second. The landlady’s pinched nose and squinty, muddy-brown eyes were right in front of me, barely a few inches away. I could see her revolving lips and crooked teeth mouthing words quickly, angrily.
‘You little – you did this – bad luck ever – what – HOW ARE YOU GOING TO COMPENSATE FOR THIS?’ her voice burst through the static in my ears. I said nothing as she continued to voice her accusations, her lousy, half-witted words. The hole in my heart was closing up, and it turned into an awful clench instead. Every bad memory, every ungrateful feeling I have ever felt spilled out in torrents I couldn’t control. I couldn’t bear it. I just couldn’t anymore.
She noticed I wasn’t listening and I could feel her cheeks radiating heat from my distance. I vaguely remembered her raising her hand before a thousand stars exploded and bloomed to life in my eyes, before eventually fading into my surroundings. My left cheek burned fiercely as she continued her passionate, accusing screams.
I felt hot tears rolling down my cheeks. The first few, cold drops of rain marred my cheeks and mixed with the tears. The tears weren’t made of regret nor sadness – it was anger. It was agony. It hurt. The drizzle turned steadily into rain. It was as if the heavens was looking down on me, shedding its tears to make me feel better. The clouds have seen this pitiful me. I didn’t want it. I wanted nothing at all exactly because I have nothing in the world to care for anymore.
The landlady kept yelling and screaming and shouting at me, spouting all those horrible words that I could not recognise. I got up and barely winced as I felt my knees sting with pain from the kneeling.
Why is it like this? Why is it always like this? Why me? Why why why why why?
I took a step forward and started to cry earnestly.
A vague, hazy memory of the parents that I can barely recognise anymore filled my head. The turrets and tall, gleaming towers of what used to be my castle, my sanctuary, made my heart ache with longing. The wavy, smooth dresses that had the scent of freshly squeezed lemons made me dizzy. The thought of everything I had before this spun around my head.
The memory became more familiar, more to the present. What used to be the present. My apartment that had all the lovely things I picked up from thrift stores around the area. My only, yellowing photo of my parents. The ornate, small mirror my grandmother had gifted me. Everything I treasured was gone, yet again. I try to stand up but get pushed down eventually. The thought had me sickened to the brink. The scene from an hour ago flashed in my head – my friend had run away with the money, all the money we had earned to build the store. I lost my place of peace. I already lost my family. I lost all the happiness I had a long time ago yet again. It was coming back gradually, it really was. I could almost piece my life together again. It had all burned down just like this apartment building. I cried and cried. It was the only thing I was able to do then.
The landlady had stopped her bawling. I heard someone else’s voice, a man’s voice, talking in the distance. I took another step forward, taking in my fate.
Since it has turned out like this, aren’t I better off dead? Aren’t I better off leaving this miserable place?
The thought seemed so inviting. I just want to end this. This – this feeling. It’s unbearable.
‘Why?’ I said out loud. My words turned into screams from a voice I couldn’t recognise. ‘Why why why? Why is it always me? Why does this always happen to me? WHY?’ I screamed as the rain pounded on my face. ‘I’ve lost everything once already and now this? Someone, anyone! Tell me why, please…’ I choked out.
The truth began to sink in; I had nothing. Not anymore. Not ever. I am alone in this.
Someone touched my shoulder and I flinched, recoiling backwards. The hand was so warm; it felt like it could burn my skin with a touch. I turned around and saw a revolving storm. The storm was alive in his eyes.
‘It’s going to be fine.’ he said, using his other hand to cup my cheeks. The heat from his palm made my skin melt. His dark hair was plastered to his face because of the rain, and it didn’t make him any less attractive.
‘What’s going to be fine? It’s not, it really isn’t.’ I croaked out softly, conscious of his eyes examining mine. It was as if my every fibre was being x-rayed by him. I didn’t know him, but he somehow felt familiar. ‘I…’
He tugged on my arm and motioned with his head, telling me to go with him. ‘Come on.’
‘…Where? I have nowhere else to go.’
‘To my place. Come to my house. Stay there for the night, or for a month.’ he said, looking in front of him. I could see his jaw set squarely from behind.
‘No.’ I said softly. ‘I don’t need your –‘
He cut me off by saying, ‘You don’t have anywhere else to go, right? Come with me, before you catch a cold.’ He walked away in a steady pace. ‘Sleep in a warm bed tonight, and everything will get better by tomorrow.’
I said nothing in reply.
He glanced back at me. ‘It’s okay to accept another’s kindness, kid. Especially from an adult. We’re responsible people, you know? Let’s go.’ He motioned with his shoulder, again telling me to follow from behind. I glanced at the wet ashes of what used to be my home and the tears started to spill again. I looked at his back, at his wet, black coat. I looked at the burnt rubble.
I followed this man in the pouring rain, unsure if it was the right decision.
