Venenosa Amore [OS]

Venenosa Amore

"How did we end up like this?"

One question. Just one question, and hundreds of memories flooded my mind. Thousands of feelings I was once familiar with rushed back to me. Seven words and I can't breathe. There are millions of things I wanted to say. I want to answer the question, but I can't.

Because I have no idea how we ended up like this, either.

I am just sure that it was not because of falling out of love. We were in love. Heck, we deeply were. There's no need for words because our eyes and our smiles wouldn't lie. It was about the way your eyes shone whenever you see me. Just like how my eyes searched for you even in the most crowded place.

We were so invincible. So in love.

Who knew that we would be the ones to destroy each other?

Maybe the ending began that night. When we were walking, smiling and laughing like idiots, not caring about the whole world around us. As the cool breeze touched our skin, we paused for a while and gazed at the stars lighting our path. You embraced me and hummed a sweet lullaby. You told me how much you loved me and I just stared at you, crying because of pure happiness.

That moment was perfect. How I wish someone took a candid photo of us. How I wish it was captured.. because right then, I didn't know that it would be the last.

Maybe it was when I became very distant. You knew that something has changed. You did not point it out though. Why? Because you were you. The very understanding and kindest gentleman I've ever met.

You tried to understand me. You embraced my flaws. You loved them. You loved me. But it won't ever be enough.

You would never understand, because I didn't either.

Maybe it was when I stopped saying good night. The phone calls became shorter and shorter until it came to the point when I totally declined all your messages and calls.

I found ways on how to avoid you. I kept on making lame excuses as to why everything has changed. I hoped that you would get tired of me. That you would be the one to give up.

I was heartless. Yes, I was.

But you would never understand my reasons, because you're not me.

There were many signs to this destructive phenomenon. Signos that you have failed to notice — or you did ignore. You kept on holding on, even if it killed you so much.

You were so in love. So in love, I'm afraid that I would devastate you. The way you looked at me? It was like I was the most beautiful and fragile thing in the world. An art that you would love to reflect about. You were the only one who looked at me that way.

That's when I knew that I would be your death.

I loved you too. I loved loved loved loved every inch of you. I may not have loved you the way you have loved me, but I did.

"Then, why?"

Maybe it was because I used to have a dull, grey life. I was longing for color. Just the tiniest burst of hue would do.

And you were a color. A very beautiful one. And I was suddenly sick of achromatic life. You were what I needed. The perfect shade that can change everything. That can change me. But I abruptly rejected the colorful life. You may not understand this and nobody would ever do but I knew I deserved the black and white.

Just black and white.

I realized that maybe I didn't need a color in my life. I was a huge mess. I was in the darkness, so darkness I became. And I was afraid that you would blend in the darkness; that you would have to live in the darkness too. I was afraid that as my life became colorful because of you, your life would be dreary because of me.

I didn't want that to happen.

I never wanted you to change.

Maybe that was the real reason why we did end up like this. I realized that we did not deserve each other.

You were too good for me, and I was hell for you.

You were a beautiful color. And I knew that someday, someone might need a tinge of you to complete a stunning picture.

Sadly, I was not that someone. I was not completing any picture. Black and white, this was what I deserved. "I don't want anybody else," you whispered. "You, you are the only one I would ever love."

At that moment, I perceived that I could not lose you. You were the most beautiful thing that had happened to me.

I can't lose you, not ever.

As you drank that coffee, my thoughts were unclear. I just hoped that I finally did something right.

I loved watching you while you were asleep. But that time, I watched you as you fell asleep forever.

I smiled and kissed your closed eyes. "This is for the best," I told myself.

Yes, I was selfish. But I was just afraid that your innocence would be taken away from you by this cruel world. I never wanted you to suffer. At least now, I would not lose the beautiful boy I loved deeply.

You were my cure, but I was your disease. You were saving me as I was killing you.

I destroyed you, and now, the thought of you devastates me. We killed each other, with too much love.

And now, standing at your grave, completely missing you, I can't help but ask, "How did we end up like this?"

The wind wiped those words away along with a tiny portion of my broken heart.

Of course, I knew the answer to my own question.

It is because our love was like the coffee you drank. It was deadly.

Our love was not ordinary.

It was Venenosa Amore.

Poisonous love.