Of Elephants & Toads

Note to Readers: This is a piece that I performed many times before live audiences at various venues in Austin, Texas -- including the Austin Children's Museum. While my primary audience was adults, the kids got a hoot out of it, too. However, it can stand on its own as a piece to be read, and I hope you enjoy it. If you get the urge, though, to read it aloud -- or perform it to others, feel free to do so; but do it with gusto -- and sound effects!

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Did you know that Austin, Texas was once the only place in the world where elephants could be found?

In fact, in 1742, Austin had more elephants than people. The majestic beasts lived along the banks of the Colorado River; a herd of more than two hundred made its home in what is now Zilker Park -- which is why the land there is so flat.

Every day, the elephants would move, en masse, down the gentle slopes of the meadows to frolic in the river, bathe and drink their fill. Elephants, of course, are very social and tend to stick together -- and this is what led to their eventual exodus from Texas.

You see, elephants weren't the only creatures thriving in early Austin. Among other critters, there were thousands and thousands of fat, ugly toads. And toads, of course, love water, too.

You might guess what happened: whenever the elephants came down to the river, a lot of toads got stomped! Every day, the river bank was littered with the corpses of squashed toads. And every night, the sky was lit by the funeral fires tended by distraught and angry toad relatives.

"Something must be done!" cried a mother toad who had lost four sons.

"Just look at me!" moaned a toad flattened by the pachyderms. "I used to be so fat! Now I'm only a half inch thick!" His once proud resonant croak was now a mere thin creak.

Indeed, more than half the toads gathered at this meeting had been flattened to an inch or less, surviving only because the soft, muddy river bank had saved them from being squashed entirely!

"Well, what on earth can we do?" wailed the Toad King. "They're too big to fight, and it's useless to plead with them; their ears are so far from the ground they cannot hear us!

Suddenly, the fattest, oldest, ugliest toad of all pushed his way through the crowd. "I think I have a sol ... sol ... ution," he said with a slight stammer.

The crowd of toads grew silent and listened with respect -- for this toad was their spiritual leader and Medicine Toad. He knew all the plants and herbs that helped them whenever some toad malady struck. His name was Blae-lok.

"Speak to us, wise Blae-lok," said the king. "Help us!"

Blae-lok looked out over the throng of toads, saddened by how very much their numbers had been diminished.

"There is a po ... po ... potion I can make from the stems of the rose and the meat of the cactus. It will turn any toad that drinks it into a mighty warrior! But!" (he glared a warning glare) "It will also change him forever, isolating him from his own kind. He might save his friends and family from death, only to lose them to his own repug ... pupug ... pupugnance!"

"Oh, no! cried a mother toad. "We could never turn our away our own kind, no matter how ugly they become -- not after they have saved us and our children!"

The crowd croaked in hearty agreement.

"Hear me," roared Blae-lok, "for I croak the truth!" His eyes narrowed and he shook a wrinkled warty finger at them. "I well know the hearts of toads! They are warm now from fear and anger! But once the danger has passed, and there is nothing but the cool waters of the river, those same hearts will grow cold! Those who try the po ... po ... potion must be prepared to give up all they have loved and cherished, for no other course is po ... po... po ... available!"

A long silence followed. Then a toad who had been flattened almost to nothing crept slowly forward. "I will take this potion, Blae-lok," he squeaked in a tiny voice. "What have I to fear? I am already so different that I am rejected by all the females I approach. Not one will accept the juiciest fly I offer." After a moment, more flattened toads came forward to volunteer. All of them felt much the same as the first. None had anything left to lose.

That evening -- a dark and moonless night -- Blae-lok gathered all the flattened toads around a huge black cauldron that bubbled and boiled with a greenish mixture of rose stems and cactus meat. The fat toads hovered in the background, anxious and fearful of what they were about to see.

One by one, the flattened toads drank from the bitter brew. Suddenly, the entire sky was shattered by enormous shafts of lightening that cracked and crackled above!  Thunder battered the frightened mass of toads as if all their warted gods cried in outrage! Then slowly, the flattened toads of Blae-lok's Revenge Force began to change! The eyes of the fat toads grew wide and round. Their jaws gaped -- and they turned away in horror!

 "Oh!" said one toad who had merely glanced at his transformed sister. "What have we done? I cannot bear to look upon you!" He quickly hopped away -- and all the other fat toads followed.

Blae-lok watched them go, then he turned to those who remained -- each now a Warrior Toad, ready for battle! "You will go now to the river and wait for morning. When the elephants come down to bathe, you will attack -- without mercy!"

"Without mercy!" echoed the Warrior Toads -- and the sound of that battle cry, filled with lust for blood and revenge, struck fear in the hearts of all other creatures for many miles around!

The next morning, the unwary herd of elephants lumbered down toward the river as usual. The day was bright and full of promise. Nothing appeared to be out of the ordinary.

Suddenly, thousands of Warrior Toads scuttled from the mud, from behind trees and bushes and from under rocks! Without hesitation, they ran to place their armored bodies under the feet of the elephants!

"Ow!" screamed an elephant in pain and surprise. "What was that I stepped on?" Then dozens of other elephants cried out in terrible anguish, and soon the mud flowed red with the blood of wounded pachyderms! The herd scattered and ran, trumpeting warnings to their fellows: "Stay away, stay away, stay away! There are demons in the mud! Run for your lives!"

Gathering courage from their victory, the Warrior Toads followed the elephants from water hole to water hole and struck with all the viciousness at their command. Why, they even squirted great streams of blood at the elephants -- which burned like heck if it got into their eyes! (Which, frankly, it rarely did, because the elephants eyes were so very far away. Except for one unlucky fellow who bent down to get a good look at his tormentors, and he cried like a big baby!) Within days. the herd of mighty elephants had been reduced to a quivering, bleeding mass of wrinkled grey matter.

"What can we do?" moaned one unlucky fellow whose four feet still bled profusely from the latest attack. "No place is safe! These demons seem to be everywhere!"

"Well, I know what I'm doing," snorted an angry old bull with tusks that curled up over his head (and four bruised, tender feet that throbbed below!). "I'm getting out of here! My trunk's already packed and I'm leaving today for as far away as I can get!" And all the other elephants decided to do the same.

And so it was that on a sad and dreary day, the settlers of early Austin waved goodbye to the world's only elephants. "Goodbye, goodbye!" they cried. They watched tearfully as the last of the pachyderms vanished over the hills to the south -- on their way to the Gulf of Mexico to board boats bound for distant lands. Some said they would go to Africa, and others to India. But none would stay in Texas.

As for the Warrior Toads, Blae-lok was right. They were no longer welcome in the fat toad community. Not even the most loving mother toad could stand the sight of her transformed offspring -- for they were truly very ugly. With great sadness in their hearts, the Warrior Toads also left the river. But oh! They would definitely stay in Texas, the land that they loved! They decided to make new homes in the hills and prairies, among the cactus and rocks -- where they live to this day!

You can see them sometimes if you look closely; they're easily recognizable with their flat bodies and armor plating, their horns and spikes bristling in the sun. But don't go barefoot into the hills! For nothing is as ruthless as the Horney Toad!

End