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It takes me a while before I see him. 

I'm sitting cross legged on the floor of my room, staring at my laptop while rubbing my forehead at the same time. I'm completely lost in the white halo light of information coming out of my thirteen inch screen. 

"I thought the internet was off limits for you" 

I look up frowning. Vivek is standing by the door. I haven't seen my best friend in a long time. I should feel elated. Instead I'm still frowning. 

"What the fuck happened in the Middle East?"

That startles him. He tries to figure it out and loses. 

"What do you mean?" 

I gesture to the screen. "Arab Spring."

Recognition sweeps across his face. 

"Oh yeah. That. Yeah that was some pretty heavy shit that went on over there. I don't know a lot - just that some countries went completely ..." 

He fidgets with his arms mimicking something going over its head. 

".... you know?"

"You can say that again. And what a bad time it was for dictators. Kim Jong-il dead! Man that was a shock!"

"Who?"

"The North Korean dictator."

He enters the room. He stands next to me and looks at me closely. Then he bends down. 

"They were right. On a personality level you haven't changed one bit. You're still the master of the shit no one wants to know about." 

"Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Actually I hope the horse fucks you!" 

That cracks him up. He doubles over laughing and then sits down next to me. 

"You know - you can't say that anymore."

I raise my hand and stop him from going further with that. 

"One thing at a time. Your marriage is an event that just cannot be registered yet. I'm going to have to take that a nano description at a time. First off - a girl actually said yes? To you? You??"

He smiles. "And she gave me a son too." 

I clutch my head in mock pain. "Oh my brain!! It can only handle so much!!"

 He chuckles and shakes his head. 

"All right. One thing at a time" he says. "How do you feel?" 

I sigh. I've been trying to answer that ever since I had that long expository meeting with the doctor. I remember feeling very light headed as I walked out of that room. As though I was having a lucid dream and that at any time the floor would give away and I'd fall down at a terrific speed and I'd keep falling. 

Falling forever. Like a nightmare. Because what she said was exactly what it was. 

"Like an experiment." 

He waits. 

"You know? Like an experiment. That's the best way to put it as of now. And not just an experiment for the doctors. No. An experiment for myself. Every day I get up and I see all these new things. And I try to react to it. And its just amazing ... and unsettling at the same time." 

"New things?"

I gesture again to the laptop. 

"The internet for example. I remember speeds of about two Mbps. I'm working on a twenty-five Mbps connection. That's outrageously fast. But its too fast for my comfort. Does that make any sense."

He shrugs. "A little. But I want to know about you." 

I shake my head. "It is about me. Its too much of a change. I lost five years in the blink of an eye. Literally. Literally. And now I cant go back and see what happened these last five years. Its bad enough to know I had an aneurysm in my brain. Its bad enough to know that it wiped away five years worth of memories when they took it out. It is absolutely brain picking painful to know that I cannot delve into my personal history because it carries the risk of fucking me up!!" 

Exasperation. My emotions are naked now. I look at him with panic stricken eyes. 

"Am I not fucked up already?!?"

He licks his lips. I remember he was always tongue tied when it came to advice. I remember that I never relied on advice from him. I relied on him to listen. 

I remember that much. Its a thread I have to hold onto. I am not completely lost. 

I break into a grin. "Other than that I'm perfectly fine." 

He reaches out and squeezes my shoulder. Its the most I'll ever get from him in terms of solace but its all I need. 

"The internet is off limits" I say "but only the personal stuff. I don't know the passwords to my email or social networks anyway." 

I frown.

"Did I ever get on facebook?" 

He grins. "Quite active too." 

"Huh. I distinctly remember hating it." 

"That was before you joined." 

"Hmm."

 I slowly close the laptop. Too much information can be a bad thing. Its something I never thought was possible but it is now. 

I look at him. 

"How is your wife?" 

"Like an angel." 

"I have to meet your son." 

"In time. I wanted to meet you the day you came back but ..." 

"I know. They're letting me sink back to life inch by inch. And it makes sense. Can't go into the dark all at once. Dig into the past and all you get is dirty."

"But we'll be there for you." 

I smile. That's the only hope I have. I look at him. I smile. 

"Lets go get some of Mom's delicious tea. And you can tell me all about your family. Which I am still yet to believe."

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⏰ Last updated: Jan 08, 2014 ⏰

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