nonexistence

July 26: Whatever.

Saturday.

I just want out of my body. I'm supposed to be somewhere else, someone else. I don't know why. but I swear, I can feel it. therapy, hospitalization, rehab, medication upon medication, all these stupid breathing exercises. whatever.

I kinda wish they could inject happiness in my veins.

but I can't keep doing all these drugs. I promised I'd stop. whatever. sometimes my body shakes because, God damn, you will never get any better than the high.

& its so hot in California, I just want to peel all my skin off and lay in a cold pool. whatever.

I miss having homework, something to do. but then I don't. I like being free. whatever.

I miss sex too. The last time was with a boy I knew for a few weeks. he said he loved me. He was so sweet and romantic. he was 29. he said he loved me. it was our second time being out alone together. he said he loved me. whatever. I was loud and his sister was in the next room. I listened to his records and explored his closet. he had a shoebox filled with weed and condoms. after we were done, I wanted to hang out, but he said he had work. that's when I knew.. because he said he was in between jobs. whatever. and then he drove me home. he said he loved me. he bought me cigarettes. I left him nine voice mails, fourteen text messages, thirteen missed phone calls, and two Snapchats. He never replied any. but he said he loved me. I was really sad for about five days. whatever.

a lot of people think I don't care about sex, considering what I do.

but I'm trying to teach myself to be invincible. I want bulletproof feelings and an iron clad heart.

that was who I was. maybe I still am.

but I can't go back.

I was hurt way too bad.

a boy told me he thought it was interesting how I could just put so much faith and trust and love into anyone who says they love me. whatever.

I feel better now.