Somewhere Only We Know

Zac Hanson didn’t find himself speechless very often. In fact, he prided himself on always having a quick wit and a sharp tongue, the first to make a snappy come back or sarcastic remark. It got him into trouble sometimes, but he was good at it and as his momma always said, if you’re going to do something, you better do it right. Seeing the People website open on his laptop, however, left him almost unable to breathe, let alone come up with a smart remark. The headline “Taylor Hanson and Wife Natalie Expecting Sixth Child”screamed out at him, taunting him, rubbing it in his face. He wanted to scream, to throw his laptop across the room, to cry, but none of those options were viable. He still had a job to perform and a CD to make, though the last person he wanted to see was waiting for him in the next room. Before he got up, he grabbed his phone and made a call – he had someone he needed to see.

Spending hours in the studio with Taylor Hanson was almost bearable on a good day. On a day when Zac wanted to bash his head in however, it was excruciating. Any tiny sound his brother made set Zac on edge and the one time he went into a sneezing fit, Zac almost screamed and threw him against the wall. He knew he was being stupid and petty, he had absolutely no right to be jealous, but he was. He knew Isaac could tell something was up because he faked a text from Nikki about some kind of child emergency, and Zac almost kissed him from gratitude. He almost ran to his car and threw it into gear, almost t-boning a poor sedan in his rush to leave the parking lot.

He arrived at Heller Park with plenty of time to spare. Their bench was open, as it usually was, and he sat down, putting his head in his hands. He couldn’t get his mind off of the article, the quotes about how excited they were to add to their family, another baby, how wonderful! His stomach turned and he felt like he was going to be sick from all of the envy. He looked up as Natalie approached, instinctively sensing her presence. As much as he wanted to be angry with her, all it took was one small smile on her beautiful face and he had almost forgotten his own name.

“I got your flowers.” She sat next to him and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Thought you were being clever with your Helen Keller joke, did you?” She laughed lightly, a slight southern drawl dripping from the words she spoke. He gave her a half grin and shrugged.

“Helen Keller, Heller Park. I dunno, it seemed pretty smart at the time, if you ask me.” He snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her close, pressing his lips to the top of her head. “Why didn’t you tell me the article was going live today?” His voice broke on the last word and he buried his face into her hair.

“Oh, sweetie.” Natalie sounded like she almost wanted to cry. He pulled back and looked into her face to see tears already threatening to spill over. “It was so last minute, they needed a headline quick and called first thing this morning to see if they could run the story a week early. I didn’t have time to think about it, let alone tell you.” She reached up and cupped his cheek in her hand, running a thumb along the skin. He closed his eyes and pressed into her touch, trying to control his breathing so that he didn’t start crying as well.

“It just kills me, Nat.” He confessed, opening his eyes again and moving his hand to rest on her protruding belly. “This baby is ours, not his, and it kills me that I can’t tell the rest of the world how happy I am.” Tears pricked his eyes despite his best efforts and he blinked them away – if he started crying, so would Natalie, and then they would never stop.

“Zac, I know, I know honey, I wish we could, I would give anything to be able to. You know we –“ Zac cut her off.

“I know, I know, we can’t tell anyone, we can’t do anything without jeopardizing the band and hurting so many people along the way.” He knew his words came out harsher that he had meant for them to, but he was so tired of hearing all of the reasons they couldn’t be together. Just once, he wanted a good reason as to why they could leave their respective spouses and live happily ever after, just once. Natalie sighed and dropped her hands to her belly, taking his one hand in both of hers.

“Please don’t make this any harder than it is.” Her voice was so soft, making her seem even smaller than she was and his heart broke all over again. His arms wrapped around her shoulders and he pulled her to him, her head on his chest, his chin on top of her head.

“I’m so sorry, Nat, I’m not trying to. I just really fucking hate this.” Natalie nodded her head and sniffed a couple of times, a telltale sign that tears were definitely falling.

“I do too. I wake up every single morning and see the look on his face and see how happy he is to be having another baby, but all I want to do is tell him the truth. It would break him, but this might break me.” She started weeping openly at that and Zac felt so helpless. The only thing he could do was tighten his hold on her, there were no words that could make either of them feel better.

--

Zac drove home the long way. He and Natalie sat on the park bench for another hour, consoling each other for the love they couldn’t show, and the baby they couldn’t raise together. When he pulled into the drive way, his front door opened and Junia came running out, a huge smile plastered on her face. He couldn’t help but feel gratitude for the life he did live, and hopped out of the truck, scooping her up and carrying her inside.

“You’re home early.” Kate walked over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He smiled and nodded, putting his daughter down.

“Yeah, Isaac and Nikki had some kind of kid emergency, so we just left for the night.” He followed her into the kitchen and was a little shocked to see dinner cooking. “Oh, I didn’t realize you were making a full meal. What’s cooking?”

“Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Go sit down, the kids are washing up.” Zac did as he was told and took his place, reaching over and giving Lucille a tickle under the chin. She giggled and the sound pulled at his heartstrings – he would never be able to come home to his and Natalie’s baby like that. He was pulled from his thoughts as Kate brought everything to the table and the rest of their kids joined in.

As everyone ate, Kate was extremely antsy, hardly touching her food. Zac kept giving her questioning looks that she returned with smiles until he finally couldn’t take it anymore. “Kate, what’s wrong? You’re acting weird.” She laughed nervously and wrung her hands into fists.

“Well, I have some news.” A sinking feeling formed in the pit of Zac’s stomach. He wanted to get up and run, to never look back, but he was frozen, cemented in his seat. Kate got up from the table and went into the kitchen. She returned with one hand behind her back and Zac almost threw up. She reached out and placed something on the table in front of him. He didn’t have to look down to know what it was.

“Zac, I’m pregnant!”