Insanity

Chapter 1

"Damn Lya, you are so stupid. Come on, freaking idiot, get it together."

This is my example of self motivation, right now this is as "positive" as it gets.

I'm just pissed because It's been months and I still can't get over that moron. Okay, he's not a moron, I'm the moron for falling so deeply in love. No one told me to get involved with him, I'm the one who chose to be with him. To fall for him. I had definitely fallen, and it hurt. I mean, life wasn't perfect before him, it wasn't perfect when I was with him, but it was better. It was a flawed better, I fell in love with him quickly and madly. I've met a lot of people but nothing that would ever come close. He was everything. My Jesse.

Jesse Robert Nicolls embodies everything I would've ever wanted in a man. He was just an inch taller than I, had the bluest eyes I'd ever seen, he was just a year older, and every bit as infinite as I considered myself to be. What do I mean by that? Jesse and I were dynamic mirrors of one another. We loved life. Art, music, travel, culture, sports, people, writers, books, film, adventures, dirty humor, and witty word usage. That was us. There were an infinite amount of things that we were interested in. We were dreamers, seizing every opportunity the world offered. There was so much life to be lived, so many things to experience and do. Only now I don't feel that way anymore. I don't want to do anything, what's the point?

"You wanna smoke?", Ray asks, pulling out her pack of Camels. Ray's one of my closest friends, I met her my second day of college when we found common ground: we both disliked some tramp that tried to get us kicked out of college.

Friendship-making at it's finest. Ever since then we've had each other's backs. I'm grateful for her, she asked me to move in with her after she noticed my home and relationship troubles. Now I'm here, but I know for a fact that she never approved of what I had with Jesse. I'm also definitely aware that she's more than glad that it ended and that he's most likely never coming back.

"Sure.", I dully reply looking up from my usual daze, pulling a lighter out of my pocket and taking the cigarette from her outstretched hand.

I'm not a big smoker but these days lung cancer really isn't my biggest concern. I just need something to soothe my anxiety and distract me. At least for a little while.

"I get out of work early tomorrow. Do you want to go eat dinner after and then party with Craig and I?", she asks.

Craig is Ray's fiancé. They've been together for a short period of time but their love is something I know is going to last. They're good for each other. Unlike Jesse and I.

"No, you guys go ahead. I'm fine.", I replied, hoping she wouldn't push me to go.

"You sure? Some new people are gonna be there, it might be a good idea to be around a bigger crowd."

"No. Thanks for the invite but there's no way in hell that I'm going."

I took a long drag of the cigarette as we sat on the front porch of the condo in silence. The truth is, I actually hate smoking cigs. I don't know why I'm doing it, maybe because Jesse absolutely hates smoking and I have a theory that if I smoke enough he'll magically come running around the corner and take the cigarette out of my mouth. Then he'll stick around to make sure I never smoke another one. He'll tell me how bad it was for me, and how much he wants me to be healthy and alive, and he'll hug and kiss me. He'll kiss me for a long time.

Yeah right.

"You okay?", Craig asked waking me from my daydream. I hadn't even noticed that he'd joined Ray and I out in the porch.

"What?", I replied, rubbing the rubbish out of my eyes.

"Are you okay?"

When I turned to look at him I noticed that his teeth were starting to resemble the blonde in his hair. I quickly extinguished my cigarette. I like my teeth Colgate commercial worthy, no more ciggy's for me.