Interviewer: So D.F. ... Um ... Can I call you D?
Me: Of Course! Go for it! It's actually my pen name! Imaginary birth certificate and everything! Can I ask though, if I said 'No' what were you planning on calling me?
Interviewer: Well... Uh... Ma'am, maybe? And thanks for saying Yes.
Me: Whew! I should be the one thanking You! Close call that. Kiss of death for a woman to get "Ma'am'd"
Interviewer: Uh... Totally. So... D, what was the first book that made you love reading?
Me: Sleeping Beauty. I will always remember reading the line "she pricked her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel". It's cliche but hey I was 5 or 6 and it was a magic paint coloring book too!
But it was definitely not what got me into stories.
Just into reading.
What got me into stories was bedtime. Lol and a frog singing in my mother's voice (and a bastardised jamaican accent) "remember the promise you made by the well, open the door for me." I think it's a little old story called the Frog Prince. Lol.
Interviewer: (Laugh) That's really great! Wow, you started so young! Young readers everywhere will be so inspired! So, when did you first start writing?
Me: Hmmm it was really long ago
... I was 3 or 4? I was so proud! It was the letter 'A'. Lol. Seriously though,
I think I never really wrote anything meaningful until I was 10 or 11. At least nothing I can remember. I do remember that it was a story prompt for school and my mind just got inspired and took a walk into interesting places with it. My teacher was really happy with it and you know what happens with positive reinforcement - Greed! So, I started getting more creative in creative writing and I never really stopped. It was all short story stuff though. I never really tried to do a novel worthy piece until high school and I never wrote anything that truly consumed me until I was about 16 and studying for a next day final when inspiration hit. I remember having to take a study break to go write because the narrative - the world that somehow just started building itself in my head from nothingness and random thoughts and stressed out brain cells - was playing out in my mind and would not leave me alone.
Interviewer: Wow, I wish we all got book ideas out of studying and for finals no less.
Me: Yeah... I know... I was cramming. I'm a crammer. But you can keep a secret right? That's just between you and me. No need to let my editors know about my lackadaisical relationship with deadlines and poor work ethic habits.
Interviewer: Uh... I... Uh...
Me: Crap! You already let it out of the bag didn't you? Either that or they're right behind me, which I doubt is the case because this isn't some rom-com or sit-com or whatever other type of com. Wait... Do you have on your intercom! Crap!
Interviewer: (Nervous Laugh) Uh... They said to leave it on...
Me: Dude. Did you just not like the book or Do you just hate me in particular?
Interviewer: Of course not, D! We love you and the book!
Me: (Suspiciously narrows eyes) Oh really? Which Book? What's it Called?
Interviewer: (Sweating) Uh... Um... Romeo and Juliet?
Me: (Removing clip on microphone and jumping to my feet) That's Shakespeare!
Interviewer: Uh... What... D, wait! Crap! Who's Shakespeare?
Me: (Gone)
<< Crickets chirping >>
Author's Note:
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An Interview With... Uh... Me
幽默An Author Interview Parody The Weird, Somewhat Witty, Whole-Lotta Crazy that sits in My Head Unleashed on an Unsuspecting Wholly Fictional Interviewer. P.S. to the Word Police - I know this is technically satire but parody sounded so much better! ©2...
