A rendezvous by chance

Prologue

Rio de Janeiro
2015

Mariana

I have always believed that everything in life was a matter of wanting or needing. In the end, all that motivates us is connected to that. The problem is that I don't need all the things I want, and I don't want all the things I need.

Choices... How can I define what is more important at the moment: what I want or what I need?

I invite you to join me in a crazy and philosophical journey in the following paragraphs.

Love for me was like that, after all, how do we choose who we have a relationship with? Isn't it through the model that we create in our mind? Hence, I deduce that love has to do with what you want. You want someone like that, therefore look for people the way you want them to be.

However, life is not simple. And now and then, it shows you that what you want is sometimes much less than what you need. And then all your certainties disappear. At a certain point in your life, you end up realizing that what you want should be left behind, and what you need is all that matters.

I don't know how I got to one of these moments. I've never looked for it. I've always believed I knew exactly what I was doing with my life. Sometimes I might not know what I wanted, but I knew exactly what I didn't want.

But something was missing. And I didn't even know it was missing.

In fact, how can I know what I don't have if I never had the opportunity of trying it?

I found math difficult at school. Life is so much more.

I feel that only my wishes don't satisfy me. I am neither sad nor happy. I face a transitory moment. It is not the first, but it's the most complicated ever.

My problem is not about making choices. It is about dealing with the consequences.

How can I get free from the bonds that I imposed on myself? How can I throw away the freedom that I created for myself and took as my greatest treasure? How can I do something I'm not sure if I know it?

Seriously, if I were used to drinking, I think I would have spent those last few days in complete drunkenness, because I'm just a coward who doesn't know what to decide right now. In fact, let me hide myself under the sheets to see if it helps.

Forget it, it won't help.

I have twenty-four hours to make a decision. One day for a choice that can affect my whole life. And this time I am aware of the risks and weights of my choice. Maybe that's what terrifies me.

I know there is always the possibility of starting over. If it goes wrong, if I regret it, I can give up. I can stop and take another path. But I know that, whatever my decision and whatever the result of it, I will not be the same anymore. Losing pieces and getting scars make you a different person. It may even strengthen you, but it changes you forever.

Would I be willing to go through this change?

Was it chance, fate or anything else that brought me up to that moment? I don't know. I just know that, whatever it was, it left me here and went for a walk. It simply disappeared and didn't even say goodbye.

And I must do it by myself...

Being alone. This was never a problem for me. On the contrary, it has always been my option. I don't know how to ask for help, I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to expose myself, I don't know how to back off, I don't know how to be less.

And no, I have not experienced any major trauma, I have never had my heart seriously broken. I was born like that. And that was enough for me. At least I used to believe it was enough. Honestly, today I'm not ok to define anything.

Fairies, guardian angels or even the demon on my shoulder: if you exist, it's a good time to show up. I clapped my hands and Tinker Bell didn't appear here.

It's just me.

Me, my troubled mind and my stubborn heart. What a wonderful trio... It's a lie, we are screwed. We're desperately waiting for a light to shine in the sky, hoping the solution will appear as in those post credit scenes of Marvel movies, which only those who stay until after the end can see. I took a quick look at the ceiling now. It remains as boring as before.

As long as I don't have a brilliant idea that will take me out of the forking path labyrinth in which I put myself, I will take the most mature attitude I can: I am going to have some ice cream.

After all, can anyone be sad while eating ice cream?