Essie's Critiques

Get Out if You Can | walushaf

YOUR GRAMMAR: (4/10) You struggled with your punctuation/capitalization regarding your dialogue. Keep in mind that if an action tag is accompanying the dialogue, it should be a separate sentence. The beginning of the action tag is always capitalized, and the end of the dialogue can end in anything except a comma. The opposite goes for dialogue tags: the dialogue tag is part of the sentence, so the beginning of the dialogue tag shouldn't be capitalized, and the punctuation of the dialogue should end in anything except a period.

Example of dialogue + dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"

Example of dialogue + action tag: "'I'm okay.' She forced a smile." OR "She forced a smile. 'I'm okay.'"

You had a few comma mistakes. Commas are used to separate different clauses. There are two types of clauses: Independent and dependent. They both have subjects (who/what is doing the action), and a predicate (the action being done). The difference between the two is that an independent clause can stand alone as its own sentence, while a dependent clause depends on another clause to make sense. If more than one clause is joined together, they should be separated with a comma. For example, this sentence, "I cried, then Billy ran away," there are two different independent clauses. One is "I cried," and the other is "Billy ran away." You'll notice that they're separated with a conjunction and a comma. You often misuse commas in this sense or forget to add them. Commas can also be used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," and you'll notice that it has a subject "I" and a predicate "went." The word "today" is excluded, and needs to be separated with a comma. The correction is: "Today, I went to work." There were some instances in your writing where you used unnecessary commas or missed commas, and I've only pointed out a few for you. The rest are for you to find on your own.

You also had an issue with comma splices and incomplete sentences. A comma splice is joining two or more clauses together without a needed conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses: "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." There should be a conjunction added, or the comma should be replaced with a period. The correction is: "I went to work, and I drove in my car." OR "I went to work. I drove in my car." For your incomplete sentences, they aren't really incomplete, but they are continued direct thoughts of the previous clause, and shouldn't be started as a new sentence. I've pointed out some examples down below.

You had unnecessary capitalization as well. Titles should always be capitalized unless there is a possessive pronoun in front of them. For example, "Mom" is capitalized when used alone. However, when you say, "my mom," it doesn't have to be capitalized. You were confused with this rule throughout your writing, and you also capitalized unnecessary words, which I've pointed down below.

YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (4/5) I was impressed by how clean your writing was. I didn't find any spelling errors/typos. However, there were some instances where you used unnecessary filler words. When writing, always think of the best way to write a sentence, keeping it short and tightened; all the while having the best impact on your audience.

YOUR PLOT: (20/20) The idea and concept you're going for here is intriguing. There are similar plots with Mystery/Thriller genres, but by reading the prologue, I can see that you're going in the right direction. You have a clear idea of your plot and story pacing. You executed this first chapter exceptionally well, and should be proud.

YOUR CHARACTERS: (5/10) Your characters didn't stand out to me. If I was just a reader, I would have stayed for the plot, not your characters. I wasn't familiarized with Diego's personality or characteristics. When introducing new characters, I suggest finding details to anchor them to your readers. What interesting physical flaws does he have? What habits does he have when he's nervous? His character felt miniscule and faint to me; I couldn't get a feel for his character voice. I suggest strengthening the bond between your characters and readers. That way, if your readers don't like the plot, they'd (most likely) still stay for the characters.