IF HAPPY EVER AFTER DID EXIST; levi ackerman

chapter twenty-five: a kiss in the moonlight

the cold was creeping into your bones like the chill in your blood matched the distance between you two. levi crossed his arms, legs, everything as if he could lock himself away from what you were saying, his watch cold, almost analytical.

"so, tell me. you don't hate me now, do you?"

you shook your head weakly and stared, but at nothing in particular."i don't hate you. i just hate myself for expecting too much from you."

you sighed, exhausted, and leaned back against the rough brick wall, sensing its hardness press into you, as if to remind you that you were still here, still stuck in this mess of emotions you couldn't sort out.

"you know...in the end you can't rely on anyone but yourself. it's sad really. the more you depend on others, the more likely you are to be disappointed by them. and it's painful when you get disappointed by the person you look up to."

"you look up to me?"

"yeah," you disclosed."but i was thinking of someone else. my father..."

levi shifted slightly beside you, but didn't convey anything. there was a long pause, the night air pressing in around you.

"you know, ever since my mother left us," you resumed, as the memories surged forward, unbidden and aching."i would get this feeling like...i'm floating outside of my body, looking down on myself. and i hate what i see..."

a lump started to grow in your throat; your breath stuttered when you tried to take a deep breath.

"how i'm acting, the way i sound. and i don't know how to change it."

tears welled, hot and bitter, spilling down your cheeks before you could stop them.

"and... i'm scared, levi. i'm so fucking scared that feeling is never going to go away. like...like something's wrong with me. something must be wrong with me, right? if my own mother didn't think i was worth staying for. or... or if my father didn't think i was worth giving a shit about."

"shut up."

levi clicked his tongue in frustration, like he didn't know how to deal with the mess you'd become.

but you couldn't stop the words now, couldn't stop the flood of misery and regret that poured out of you.

"it hurts, levi... it hurts so much!" you sobbed, breaking into a million jagged pieces."it hurts to know that i couldn't be what they wanted me to be! or what anyone needs! and it hurts that i can't be what i want, or what i need. because...i'm not good enough...and i won't be enough. and i'll never be close to enough...and i'm just...so fucking tired of it."

"just shut up."

suddenly, levi moved forward. his breath was warm against your skin, mingling with the lingering ropy fragrance of intoxicants you had.

the harshness in his voice was gone, replaced with something raw, something almost desperate. in the shadows, you could somewhat make out the contours of his face, but you could feel the weight of his glare, heavy with emotions he refused to name.

his hand reached up, fingers brushing against your cheek, wiping away the tears that continued to fall, even though you wished they would stop.

he slowly leaned in.

you closed your eyes.

__

"what are you doing, (y/n)?"

you shuddered, your eyes snapping open. you weren't sure what you expected him to do, but there he was, sitting upright beside you, his usual impassive expression now shadowed by a slight scowl. the kind that made you seem small, like you were standing in a storm without an umbrella.