I Am My Own Cousin.

Chapter 27: A FROG is Born

The youth pastor let the confusion and panic set in a moment before saying, "This isn't real, we turned off the lights to illustrate a point. What if this really had been the end of modern civilization as we know it? Would you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Christ is your savior? If not then come to the alter and ask him to be your savior. Because it was dark and no one could see to judge me, I decided it was time. I was already saved but had never made a public, well as public as one could be in a pitch black room, declaration of my faith.

I had been mulling over it for a couple of weeks. A nagging sensation that something desperately needed to change. When I found out that I was going to be allowed to go on the youth retreat I decided that if I was presented with the perfect opportunity, I would publicly commit myself to Jesus. This was as perfect as it could get. The looming threat of the end of civilization, a new year, a new millennium, and the lights were off so no one would judge me. Jenni, Jessi, and I all crept up to the alter; unaware the others were also responding in the blackness.

A few months later, I had recovered my mind from a nervous breakdown and felt called to join the ministry. Unlike typical teenager girls I wasn't interested in "worldly" pursuits; Jesus was my obsession. He was what I thought about almost every waking minute. I sat at the kitchen table with a notebook open to a page covered in ideas. Now that I was a self proclaimed Jesus freak I needed a plan of attack. It was my God given mission as a Christian to convert my household, school, and town to Christianity.I had been able to convince some of my closest friends to start attending youth group with my. But now I needed to kick things up a notch, make a better system. I brainstormed how to introduce everyone I could to my new soul mate, Jesus.

I contemplated approaching everyone in school and personally inviting them to youth group. It was easy to invite my friends, but the thought of inviting kids outside my social circle was terrifying. How would I interact with cool kids? I knew myself enough to know that I was too shy and it wouldn't work. I needed to find a different method. It didn't take long before I had a eureka moment. I would write letters to everyone and casually invite them to youth group.

I made a commitment to write at least ten letters a day, after work, to people outside of my social circle. I would minister to them and make sure they knew God loved them and that I was praying for them. Especially if I found out through the small town grape vine that they were having a rough patch. It was a difficult commitment that took over an hour every night, to custom write each message. It was often embarrassing to hunt the students down before school started and pass them such heartfelt letters in front of their snickering peers, but it was my mission.

I was already a prolific letter writer. Most of my classes were spent ignoring the teacher and writing to my friends. I covered them with cartoon illustrations of myself as a bumbling super hero, and folded them into complicated little origami shapes. We passed them off discreetly during class, in the hallways, and during lunch. As stealthily as a dealer passing drugs.

I had adopted the signature, F.R.O.G, as my pseudonym and signed all my correspondence with it. It was a popular Christian acronym that stood for; Fully Rely On God. Some of my friends had their own little pen names, Tonya was Toad. My friends showered me with gifts of stuffed frogs and other amphibian memorabilia. My high school letter jacket even bore the name Frog, instead of Jacqui.

I didn't always have anything deep or interesting to say to my friends, but just the act of writing was cathartic. I couldn't express myself easily out loud but while writing I could bare my soul. I felt I could easily write words of encouragement, things that would sound ridiculous if said out loud. I felt like I was training for the ministry; trying to write them words of comfort and love. I always got a rush when I received a message in response, opening them felt like opening a treasure chest. My friends told me about their grades, homework, crushes, gossip, family lives, spiritual struggles, and nitty gritty life details. I didn't feel like it was a worthwhile day If I didn't receive a fistful of letters.