Not Another Love

Chapter 7: Looking For Carson

Did Carson think that I really wouldn't even try looking for him. I can't just let go of something that been holding onto for so long. They say that if you love someone they will let you go. But what if i don't want to have been let go. What if i want them to keep holding on. Why does it mean they care when they just let go.

Its Tuesday morning. No luck finding Carson or even hearing from him. I have no motivation to get myself back up out of bed anymore. I rather just not go to school. Just sit here in my depressed lonesome. Because that's what I do best.

I convinced my mom I was sick.

She bought it or maybe she knew I will still sad about Carson leaving. Either way there is no way I could go to school looking and feeling like this. No possible way I can go to school not knowing if Carson is okay. I don't even know how I sleep or eat or even live anymore.

Knowing the thing that matters to you most is gone is the hardest thing to accept. It's not only the fact that I won't accept he's gone but it's also the fact I don't want to accept that he's gone. In my mind there is something i'm still holding onto. Something that is driving me forward little by little everyday and that's hope. I still have hope that we will find him. It's only been two days and i'm already thinking suicidal thoughts. Already a bad sign.

I read the note over and over again still. I try to imagine him reading it like in those movies. Everyday his voice slowly fadeds away. Like he's getting further and further away every second. TIme is passing so slowly these days. When he was here time didn't even matter most days the time never mattered. I never wasted a second when I was with him time was well spent. Now as I lie in my bed eating ice cream I feel that I am wasting every minute, that i will never be able to get back. Thats the thing about time its the one thing you can never re purchase. Once its gone it is truly gone.

Its now Saturday again and all of a sudden i have the urge to go back to the beach house searching for him. Before i even get dressed i'm out of the door trying not to waste any time i have of finding him. I didn't go to school all week and my grades are suffering tremendously. But that does not matter to me at the moment. I'm driving in my pajama shorts and old t-shirt and bare feet. No time for questions i'm on a mission to find a missing person. The three hours it takes to get there really is not exciting. Its just stressful I regret coming because, I don't want to regret it. What if he's not here. What if he's at home. What if he's somewhere else starving dehydrated. What if he's been kidnapped. All of these morbid thoughts roll through my head and I can't get them out as my car slowly slips over the lines into other lanes. I don't have control anymore its like i'm watching own over my body. Then a truck comes and i quickly swerve and just make it i'm out of breath and tears pour from my face.

When I reach the house it could not look more abandoned. It's so meaning less so lifeless. Like no one has been there in years. All the fun was taken out of it there are no good memories anymore those have been stolen and buried away in the mist of Carson missing. I slam the car door shut and slowly walk feeling the sand underneath my feet. It feels cold and soft at the same time. It actually feels familiar. I close my eyes for a second and remember the first time I went to the beach. The fresh air the sand between my toes, and just for that second I forget what i'm actually here for. A memory so strong can sometimes change people.. I guess.