The Truth About Dezzy and Bailey

Chapter Four:

“So you know I still love you,” Bethany said, taking a step towards me. I took two steps away from her.

“No, you don’t,” I said, shaking my head.

“Yes, I do, Dezzy,” Her voice growing higher. How I used to love my name on her lips, but now it made me cringed on the inside.

“Then why are you dating Poppy and Mickey at the same time? Or anybody for that matter?” I had to fight to keep my voice the same, calm level.

“I’m trying to survive this!”

“You know if you had just talked to me and not run around behind my back, there would be nothing to try and survive?”

“But I’ve changed now,” She said, seeing my fall from her grasp fast.

“You’re right about that,” I said, turning away.

“Why can’t you just forgive me, Dezzy? I thought you said you loved me.” I turned around, pacing, trying to swallow the anger I’ve had her towards her since our break up. It ended up spilling out like lava out of Mount Helena.

“You lied, tore down what little self-esteem I had, and when you finally had enough of me because I wasn’t going to have sex with you, you didn’t have enough decency to do it to my face, instead you gave it to our English teacher to give to me. Then you go around and fuck with the people you told me you had no feelings for. And while you were going that you trash all my friends. With all this I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why I love you, but then I did. I loved who you used to be, or at least the person I thought you were, but who ‘you’ are now, I can never love,” I said, and with that I left.

                I didn’t realize I had been crying until this moment. I didn’t even know why I was crying. This my first legitimate cry since me and Bethany broke up. I didn’t cry. Well at least not in front of people, especially not her.

                My heart felt heavy and like a hole ripped through it. Bethany had ripped through my heart. I lost part of myself to her. Anger and bitterness towards her no longer consumed my heart. I was free from that, but why did I feel so sad then? I felt so messed up. I told myself getting back together with her would mean I had no self-respect, but I felt like I had none anyways.

                At home, I flung myself on my bed, forgetting all my responsibilities. My tears turned into more than just Bethany. They were from everything I had been bottling up. How miserable my mom made me. How I could never seem to please her. How I knew that she hated the fact I liked girls. How disgusting I felt after I thought or dreamed of loving another girl. How disgusting and angry Leo made me feel. How much I missed my dad and how much I regretted not moving in with him. How much I liked Bailey, but could never be with her. Just how lonely I felt all the time and how ugly I was.

                Tears streamed down my face for an hour until I felt like I was going to be sick. My face hurt from the constant rubbing away of tears and snot. My phone vibrated. I picked it up, expecting a message from either Mom or Bethany, but it was call from my dad. I clicked accept.

“Hey,” I said, trying to sound normal and not like I had been crying for the past hour.

“What’s wrong?” Dad asked, already knowing that something was wrong. I didn’t want to talk to him about it because I knew it would upset him to know that I was so upset. He always felt so guilty and responsible because he was so far away. But I really needed my dad right now, so I told him everything except for Leo and my regret for not living with him. If he knew about Leo, my dad would come and kill him, and the regret would just him more upset.