Letter to Santa (From Dark Static)

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by joecool123

by joecool123

Hi everyone! While I am still editing the NO CAPES novel for future publication, I wanted to re-release this bonus chapter from the original story because I think it's holiday spirit-y and I know a lot of you really miss this story. Hope you enjoy :D

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Dear Mr. Santa Claus,

It's all a misunderstanding. Let's call it what it is and bury the hatchet. I didn't mean to make Christmas Eve more difficult for you, and I especially never intended to cut into your cookie-eating time. It's just that when AbominableSnow Man came to attack Capital City, well, let's say that to defeat him, I needed a little reindeer magic.

For the record, I'll admit to it: fine. I stole Rudolph. Borrowed, really. Okay—borrowed without permission. But it was me, Santa. Me: Dark Static. The Torrent had absolutely nothing to do with this. You know she's never been on the naughty list in her life. Why put her on it now when you could put me on it for the 8th year in a row? Wouldn't that be a better use of your resources? The elf in charge of crossing out my name and writing in hers could have made six etch-a-sketches in that time!

I know you'll want some more convincing. Honestly Santa, for a guy who's supposed to know everything, it pains me to need to write this letter. But, I suppose, you've been busy helping children in places of the world that I could never reach...

Here's how it went down:

On December 24th, 6:00 A.M, AbominableSnow Man breaks into Arielle Roberts', the former Ms. Linden, home. By the way, Santa, in case you're voting in the upcoming mayor elections, vote for Roberts. A vote for Roberts is a vote for Justice. Anyways, as I'm sure you know, Arielle Roberts is the kind of woman who doesn't need anything for Christmas—she's already bought it, worn it, used it, and decided she's done with it while your elves are still working on product-design. Naturally, if anyone were going to attempt a break-in to a home in Capital City, hers is at the top of the list.

Now, I'm not sure if people submit change-of-addresses forms to you or the guy at the mall, but I live there too now. At Arielle Roberts' house. I live there with my brother, Jamie, sweet kid, and I'd like you to know that this is the place to drop off our presents this year. Coincidentally, it happens that when AbominableSnow Man burst through Arielle's bedroom window, I was there to save the day. Yes, Santa—Me. Not Madeline. Madeline can sleep through anything.

So AbominableSnow Man. He's 8 feet-tall, huge, dressed head-to-toe in a white snowsuit that made him look like a marshmallow, had the largest pair of ski goggles I have ever seen, and his hands were covered in blue gloves that glowed. And he had some sweet powers, Santa. First, he tried to freeze us all by shooting powers out of his gloves, but he was no match for my lasers. Then he tried blowing icicles in our faces. Also no match for the lasers. The whole time he's screaming some kind of Himalayan chant, as if that could possibly help him.

Turns out that it could, because that's when he got smart.

It was about this time, by the way, that the one and only Madeline Roberts decided to get out of her bed and come help me. Not that I needed it ... but it's the thought that counts. Which turned out to be a good thing, because then I did need her help. Oops.

AbominableSnow Man realized he'd have to take out my lasers to win this War on Christmas, and he did so by ripping off a piece of his marshmallow snowsuit and blowing on it in his hands. It morphed into a sparkling dust, and his suit grew back. It was like magic. That's when I really started to get chills. Because there's a difference between Super Powers and magic. It's a subtle difference, but it's there: Super Powers come from inside of you. You control them, they are you—they're you at your absolute best. But Magic... no one really knows where it comes from. Fewer people know how to control it, and even those people might be kidding themselves.

AbominableSnow Man blew the magic dust right into my eyes, and everything went white. That was all I could see—just a snowy clearing on a blizzardy day. The next thing I knew, Madeline was helping me eat soup and we were both freezing cold. The AbominableSnow Man had gotten what he'd come for, and kidnapped Arielle.

Now, Super Powers are no match for magic. That's the other reason it freaks me out so much. Here I am, a real-life Super Hero, and there's still something out there that I can't handle. The only way to fight magic is with magic.

The only way to fight snow man magic was with a little something from where the snow came from: North Pole magic.

I'm sure you understand now, Santa, that it was absolutely necessary for me to borrow Rudolph without permission last year. I know you think it seems strange that I could build a look-a-like reindeer with an engine attached to it, climb up to Arielle's rooftop, hide behind a chimney, and wait until you were boots deep in her famous Christmas cookies to make the switch... all by myself...totally unaided by Madeline... Without being able to see.

The truth is... I am that good.

And I am deeply offended by any doubts of that.

Thanks to my abilities to flawlessly execute this plan, I was able to comb Rudolph so he was in tip-top condition, feed him a bucket full of carrots, get him fully hydrated, and use Arielle's hot tub to steam up her room so Rudolph's nose would turn on. Then I could touch his bright nose to my mask and slowly regain my vision. It's just a shame this process took 15 minutes when we all know you only spend 1.5 minutes per household.

Also, we needed to keep Rudolph in case the AbominableSnow Man tried to blind me again.

Later on, Madeline and I conspired, as we dreamed by a fire, to keep Rudolph and ourselves warm and come up with a plan to rescue Arielle. Rudolph was extremely helpful in this regard. As it turns out, the AbominableSnow Man couldn't use any of his magic if Rudolph's nose was in the vicinity. So, we told Rudolph that if he could go for ten minutes without turning his nose off, we would give him another entire bag of carrots. Every ten minutes would be another bag.

Rudolph kept his nose on for the whole night.

Seriously, Santa, how do you sleep with that thing?

Without his powers, the AbominableSnow Man was easy to capture. Arielle confiscated his marshmallow coat, and the AbominableSnow Man was reduced to total human normality.

It was sad, how easy it all was. But maybe that's the secret to hard things. As soon as you borrow a magical reindeer without permission and heal your eyesight, it's easy to believe you can truly do anything.

As for Rudolph? Well, did you, or did you not see him in his stable just the next morning, Santa? Full tank of gas and everything. (It was the carrots. He has digestive issues. Really would have been nice to know about that ahead of time.)

And now I'm writing you to explain that it was my actions that hindered Christmas for you, Santa. It was my actions that made you tighten your schedule and have trouble balancing Donner and Blitzen with your sleigh. It was my actions that involved borrowing Rudolph without permission. I was the one who ultimately did these things, Santa, and it was my doings, not Madeline's, that eventually saved Capital City.

If anyone should be written on the naughty list, it's me, not her.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

I'll be waiting to hear back from you in the form of either coal or a new mask—mine's getting a little rusted. And so will Madeline. I know she'd never tell you, but she's had her eye on that new swim cap—the one that whistles when you slow down and gives you a neck massage when you speed up. I think she'd like blue, but that's just a guess.

Happy Holidays, Mr. Claus, and may your every wish come true.

I know mine did.

- Dark Static.