Fatal Pursuit

thirty-four

Xavi knelt down beside me, "What are you talking about? Don't say things like that."

"It makes sense to me now...I've hurt the people that dared to love me because I am incapable of loving myself," Dante's expression of deceit and genuine heart break flashed in my mind, then, Nacho's body lying on the examination table. Over and over, they took turns projecting themselves in my mind. My heart suddenly starts to race, yo-yoing in my chest.

"Infinity, are- are you okay?"

I can feel my ability to breathe become more difficult and I suddenly start to feel nauseous.

Infinity, you're shaking!" Xavi exclaimed, "Hey, hey. Can you hear me? Talk to me, come on."

And I try to talk, but I'm drowning in my own tears and anguish. I grasp my throat as a thick lump of guilt and despair forms stiff in my airways. My mouth becomes dry, my tongue gluing to the roof of my mouth.

Xavi takes me in his arms, "Shh, it's okay, it's okay. You don't need to talk, just breathe! Just breathe, okay?"

But I can't catch my breath normally and I begin to hyperventilate.

"Infinity? Infinity? Shit! Just, stay right there," he races over to his car and grabs a half-empty water bottle out of the cupholder, "Here, drink some water...please. Please drink the water." he pleads, panic in his voice.

I can't calm myself down for some reason. My lungs and throat catch fire and I suddenly feel disoriented. What's happening to me?

"Infinity, try to focus on me , okay? Listen, I think you're having a panic attack. But don't freak out. I'm right here for you. I'm not going anywhere."

I clench his arms, holding on to him for support.

"Just listen to my voice, don't pay attention to anything else," He puts a hand on my stomach, "We're going to breathe together, alright. Just follow my hand. Breathe in," he inhales deeply and I try my best to follow, "Breathe out... just like that, amazing. Can you do it again for me?"

I follow his directions, and I start to feel myself coming back down. He smiles at me when my breathing starts to return to normal, "There we go, just keep doing what you're doing. It's all good, your body is just a little in shock right now but you're okay."

I feel less disoriented now but I'm still incredibly queasy.

I'm gonna throw up.

I get up and stagger over to the bushes as quickly as I can. I put my hands on my mouth, gripping it shut and I make it just in time.

I feel a sharp pain in my abdomen as my stomach contracts and I retch translucent-yellow bile into the shrubs. The pain is so intense that it brings me to my knees and I hurl up more and more until I'm dry-heaving. I feel it as a physical manifestation of my agony.

Xavi rubs my back, "That's okay, let it all out. It's almost over."

My limbs are like noodles and my body is trembling, fearful to catch another breath.

"When you're ready, can you do me a favor and drink some of this water for me?" Xavi asks.

I nod.

I had forgotten that Xavier hadn't always been a complete sack of shit.

"Listen," he starts, "I don't know what all happened here, and I don't even want to know. But, I know who you are. You're not a bad person, you're a person who's made bad decisions, sure, but you yourself are not a bad person. I know you're hurting right now and it really fucking sucks. But, it will get better. If you need time to heal from your mistakes, that's okay. But, there's no need to hate yourself. The fact that you're hurting so bad from what you've done shows your character."

I wipe my mouth, taking the water bottle from him. I'm too ashamed to look into his eyes from sheer embarrassment but he didn't seem to be as disgusted with me as I was with myself.

"Believe it or not, I know exactly how you're feeling right now. Well, you know that I'm no stranger to fucking up. I really fucked up with you. And for a long time afterwards, I hated myself too. Before we even met, I had my own problems that I tried to fill with unhealthy vices that I could've gotten help for, but instead I sucked other people into my black hole and made them pay the consequence of my ill choices..."

"So... what did you do to fix it?" My voice is hoarse and my throat feels so raw that it almost hurts to talk.

He shrugged his shoulders, "I started going to therapy. Healing myself session by session. Then, I finally had the tools to put myself back together again and figure out that the real meaning behind my actions was bigger than I thought."

Therapy. I would've never expected that coming from Xavier, "Do you think it could really help me?"

He smiles softly, "You know, I asked my therapist the same thing in our first session. Of course it could help. Honestly, I think it could help everyone. You're not too lost, trust me."

"Okay," I cleared my throat, "Uh, thank you for coming, Xavi. I didn't know who else to call. I'm surprised you even picked up after everything that went down."

"It's my pleasure. I should thank you for even considering calling me after everything. And anyways, it's like I said. I know the person that you are on the inside. I've known you for much longer than a summer. How much I care for you and admire you is bigger than any mistake you could've made here."

"But, what if I'm not that person you knew anymore?"

He looks at me incredulously, "You really don't see it, do you?"

"See what?"

"Infinity...there is so much more to you than you even know."