You Must Remember This

Chapter 31 - Trial and error

Wakanda, 2016

The entire room was quiet. All Bucky heard was the echo of Lucas's words and the rushing of his blood as his heart thumped erratically in his chest. 

'I was there to pick up the damn pieces after what he did to Evy!'

He ran his hand through his long hair, yanking at it, hoping that the pain might jolt him into remembering. What did he do? What did HYDRA make him do to Evelyn? Did they find out about her? Did they torture her? Kill her? Had he been their instrument? With every theory, Bucky's anxiety grew. He struggled to breathe. His vision blurred as tears welled up in his eyes. A strangled sob escaped him. His fist landed on the smooth surface of the table. A good thing it was made of vibranium, else it would've surely cracked and split into pieces. 

No. No, I loved her. I... I couldn't have... God, please... Please don't let this be true. 

Bucky dared to glance up at Steve. His friend still faced the black screen, balled fists trembling at his side. It looked like he was about the throw a fit at any given moment, and Bucky honestly couldn't blame him if he did. He could only imagine what was going through Steve's mind right now. Lucas was their one shot at getting answers, yet all they had now were more questions and a growing sense of hope and sanity slipping through their fingers. He had to do something. Say something. Anything at all.

"Steve, I -"

"Don't." Steve's voice cut through the room like a razor-sharp blade. "I really don't wanna get into it now, Buck."

"But I -"

Steve spun around, silencing Bucky immediately. His face was contorted with rage, teeth bared and nostrils flaring. Those usual kind baby blue eyes were taken over by a violent storm, threatening to come crashing down on Bucky at any moment. His body moved on its own and back away, impressed by Steve's fury. Never had he seen his buddy in such a state. Seemed like it was another thing the Rogers twins had in common - when they got pissed off, they were downright intimidating.

"I'm only gonna say this once, so pay attention. You're gonna continue Evelyn's journal right now. I don't care how long it takes or if it hurts you, but you're gonna sit your ass down and finish that goddamn thing! You read it to the very last letter, even if it kills you, you hear me?!"

Bucky stood petrified at Steve's outburst, unable to move even an inch. His eyes traveled down at the book on the table. Once again, Lucas's words hummed through him.

'It won't change all the suffering she went through because of you!'

Even though his heart bled with whatever he may learn from continuing, Bucky's mind, however fractured it was, urged him to persevere. He owed it to himself. To Steve. And to Evelyn.
Bucky sat down, hearing Steve discuss something with T'Challa in the background. He forced himself not to look in their direction and opened the journal on the last page he read. A single tear that had been pricking the corner of his eye finally fell. It stained Evelyn's elegant handwriting. Bucky's fingers trembled as he carefully brushed it off her words. 

'I was a goddamn fool for not activating the tracker right then and there. You were out of cryogenic sleep and I successfully held off your reprogramming. Had I just clicked that stupid button on the hairpin, the Howling Commandos would've stormed the place before Zola and his flunkies ever had the chance to do the things they did to us. But I didn't even know if the SSR was still on the mission. I had already missed the six-month marker I gave them, so they had to presume I was dead. Even if I could get Howard's watch back, it only had a range of twenty-five miles. It was of no use if he, or Peggy, or the Commandos weren't around to pick up the signal. I was on my own. My priority was dealing with the Winter Soldier first to make sure James Barnes was the one I brought home. So I stayed my hand and focused on you. Yet in doing so, I lost sight of some important factors. I should have felt the net closing around me.'