How Are You Even Real?

Ambitions

"I'm not expecting you to be like me, but ambition is important to me! I want my girlfriend to be ambitious and not satisfied with the status quo. You could achieve anything you wanted to if you just put in more effort." His words rang loud in your ears, he was calling you out. Your stomach dropped to the floor, leaving you feeling sick and vulnerable.

The two of you were so compatible on so many levels, but on this you might not be. What stung was that you wanted to be ambitious like him, you just weren't as talented, effort only got people so far.

Your throat grew tight and your eyes filled with tears. You coughed to clear it, looking away from him so he wouldn't see your watery eyes. You couldn't bring yourself to break the silence and he was clearly waiting for you to say something.

"I can't be you Jungkook and do everything perfectly the first time," You finally said, "I have tried and failed and I don't have the courage to try again." You rounded the counter and started down the hall, "I'm going to take a shower. Go ahead and eat without me. Then you can let yourself out."

"Y/N, wait!" He got up from the bar stool and followed you, but you closed the bathroom door in his face and locked it behind you. He knocked heavily on the door and called your name, you sat on the toilet seat and began to sob.

There had been a conversation similar to this one in your life. Your last boyfriend, someone you trusted, told you their honest thoughts and it had been devastating. He had told you that it was great to have a hobby, but told you to be realistic and stop wasting so much time on art. He told you that you weren't good enough and that it was embarrassing for him to introduce you as an artist. So you stopped calling yourself that and since you weren't an artist anymore, you had no business making art anymore.

Then in comes Jeon Jungkook who tells you to try harder, tells you that the flying beneath the radar trick won't fly with him, but you've already forgotten how to push yourself. You feel too stiff and afraid of crashing again to even strive to change. It was tiring to push yourself to be better and you didn't know if you could do it again. You were going to lose Jungkook because you were a scared little child.

You did take a shower and the warm water soothed you, even though it felt like your world was ending. Jungkook had stopped knocking. It felt like a maddening cycle. First you felt a crushing fear that Jungkook would leave you, then you got angry that you cared so much and then you felt numb. Then it started all over again, crying at every stage of the cycle but in different ways.

By the time your water got cold, you had cried and assembled yourself back together. Once you were out of the shower, you toweled off, putting on your underwear and t-shirt, but didn't feel like putting anything else on. You were ready to eat your cold food and climb into bed. Then you would get a good night's sleep and call Jungkook tomorrow. You groaned and leaned your head against the door.

You did not want to call him, you didn't want to know what he was going to say. The two of you had never argued like this and you didn't know how to fix it. With a sigh, you opened the door and walked sulkily to the kitchen.

You almost jumped three feet in the air when your couch came in view and there was someone on it. You put a hand to your racing heart. Jungkook was staring at you with soft doe eyes. It was a look that always caught you off guard. He meant the world to you and thinking of him leaving felt the earth was eroding under your feet, like sand being towed away by the tide, so swiftly and painlessly that it left you breathless. With your chest so tight you could barely breathe, you turned and walked into the kitchen.

"Did you eat already?" You asked when you removed the lid from the pan. It didn't look like it had been touched.

"I was waiting for you." His voice made tears rise to the surface and you blinked rapidly to keep them at bay.

"I said you could eat and then leave." You made yourself busy in the kitchen. You really wished now that you put your bra and pants back on. You felt vulnerable enough as it was.

"Yeah, there was no way I was leaving before we fixed things." He got up from the couch with a sigh and when he came into the kitchen, he leaned against the counter.

"What happened Y/N? We never fight. Why did you get so angry?" You suddenly didn't feel like playing nice.

"Why did you have to be so pushy?" His jaw tightened and you felt like a petty bitch. You just wanted to hide, "I'm going to go put some pants on." When you tried to move past him, he put his arm out, stopping your movements.

"You're not going to hide again," He said firmly. You wanted to be petulant and insist that was not what you were about to do, but you didn't have the heart to lie. He took your hand and steered you to the couch. He sat you down and then took the throw blanket off the back of the couch and tucked it in around you.

"Let's get one thing straight," He said seriously as he sat down facing you, "I'm not perfect, that's unfair to me. I work hard."

"I know you do," You said quietly, looking down at your lap. Your heart beat wildly in your chest. His right hand was on his knee, his thumb was rubbing into the pads of his pointer and middle finger. The friction of his skin rubbing together was creating a quiet shushing sound. He cleared his throat and you looked up. He searched your eyes for a moment and you couldn't tell what he was feeling or thinking. You held your breath and waited for him to continue.

"I work hard on the things that are important to me and I work on them everyday. But here's the important part, I have a plan and something that I'm striving for. Talent and effort are important, but they will get you nowhere if you don't know where you are going."

"I had dreams and I had plans, I did!" You insisted, the need to defend yourself felt compulsive and almost pitiful.

"Then what happened?" His words were ardent, almost like a plea. He was asking for an explanation, but he was also asking you to trust him. You wanted to fix things with him, you wanted to give him a sign of good faith.

So you told him about your ex-boyfriend. It made you feel silly that something that man said years ago was still affecting you so deeply. His careless comments had sucked away your ambition and you were worried Jungkook would judge you for it.

When you finished your story, he sighed heavily and took your hand. He played with your fingers before lacing your hands together.

"I hate how often I have to say this, but your exs were assholes!" Your nervousness prompted a loud fit of giggles and you felt the pressure in your chest releasing. He laughed with you and the tension in the room faded away.

"You trust me, right baby doll?" He asked earnestly, you nodded with the same enthusiasm, "Then trust me when I say that you can do whatever you want to do. You don't have to do art, you can do whatever, but don't coast when you can soar!" He squeezed your hand and his eyes sparkled, "And I'll back you 100%! I'll be your cheerleader. When you're discouraged, come to me and I'll lift you up, I'll remind you how fucking amazing you are!"

And when he kissed you just seconds later, you knew he meant every single word.

He ended up staying the night. As he slept next to you, his tiny huffs of breath warming his pillow, you began to plan. For the first time in a long time you wondered if you could try harder and you wondered what you could accomplish with a force of nature like Jungkook backing you up.