You Must Remember This

Chapter 39 - The loss of her

Wakanda, 2016

Everything hurt. His muscles, his limbs, his head... but most of all, his heart. Bucky didn't know why. Nemesis had been his enemy for so long. He felt like he should be relieved he didn't have to worry about her coming after him anymore. Yet all he felt was an ache. Grief. Guilt.

"Are you sure?" he asked. 

The last thing Bucky remembered was Nemesis saying the trigger words, and then nothing. Steve had been the only one present in the room when he woke up, anxiously waiting to see if he was back to his normal self or still the Winter Soldier. The sad and sympathetic look his friend had greeted him with had said enough. 

"Yes," said Steve. "The medics checked her as soon as they arrived, but it was already too late. Widow is getting everything ready to transport her body to California. Whoever she was, Nemesis meant something to Lucas, so it's only fitting he can say goodbye and bury her. T'Challa offered to cover all expenses."

"Does... Lucas know already?"

"Not yet. I don't wanna tell him over the phone, though. Sam and I will take Nemesis to the States and tell him in person. Widow'll stay here to monitor you."

Bucky gave a curt nod and swallowed back a sob. His fist clenched in his lap. Steve placed a hand on his shoulder. Though the gesture was meant to comfort and support, it felt so wrong. Bucky couldn't fathom why his friend hadn't ripped his throat out yet for killing his daughter. Stark went ballistic when he found about his parents, and Bucky had expected Steve to react similarly. But Captain America simply sat there, hiding — or maybe ignoring — the pain. The thought that he was doing it for Bucky's sake was unbearable.
He shrugged Steve off as he got up from the bed and walked over to the window. It was the first time since arriving in Wakanda that the sky outside wasn't the clearest blue, and the colors of the city and surrounding jungle didn't vibrate in the sun. How oddly fitting. 

"It wasn't your fault, Buck," he heard Steve say behind him. "The Winter Soldier killed her, not you."

"We're the same person, Steve." Bucky looked down. "His hand is my hand."

"We've been over this. You can't be held accountable for his actions. You don't even know what you do when you're him. Nobody blames you for what happened."

"I do. So should you."

"Nemesis is the one who activated the Soldier. If anything, she caused her own death."

Bucky groaned in frustration and rested his forehead on his arm as he leaned against the window. Steve's words were irrelevant. Nothing would change the fact he was still a weapon under HYDRA's control, capable of killing without remorse.

"Why did she do it?" wondered Bucky aloud. "I just don't understand why she would want to face that monster."

"Maybe because he was the true objective?" offered Steve. "Think about it; she fought you in the lab but couldn't kill you even though she literally held a blade at your throat. Nemesis might have been ruthless, but she always kept to a moral code of not killing innocents. Not to mention that she seemed to know you as Bucky Barnes, too. My guess is she did the only thing she could think of to face her real enemy and shut down whatever she felt toward you."

"And the words? How do you explain her knowing those goddamn words?"

"After T'Challa brought him in from Siberia, Zemo told Agent Ross he got Zola's red book from a HYDRA official named Karpov. We didn't pick up anything about a break-in at the CIA, so Nemesis must've gotten her hands on the book when it was still on the base in Siberia when Karpov was there. But if she'd really gotten into the lion's den, I don't think she would've let you or any of those sons of bitches live. That only leaves one other option."