You Must Remember This

Chapter 40 - The nurse and the Soldier

A/N warning - the content in this chapter may trigger some readers as it treads a fine line between consent/non-consent. I want to clarify right now there is a clear consent between the characters themselves. Stakes are high and it seems as if they don't have a choice as they are forced into the situation, but I take a moment prior to what happens, as well as in following chapters, to address what is expected of them and how this affects them. I also want to make it clear that I do not, under any circumstance, condone non-consent. Always discuss things with your partner and be respectful and considerate. 

Wakanda, 2016

'Had I known how far Zola was willing to go for the supreme super-soldier, I would never have volunteered to be a part of his vile experiment. I have no way of avoiding the truth about what he made us do, so I'll just give it to you straight. But before I do, I want to tell you again how sorry I am, Bucky. What HYDRA turned you into, what they made you do... It's all on me. And I will carry that guilt until my dying day. 
Now, I want you to do something for me before you continue reading. You remember what I wrote at the beginning of the journal? About you probably wanting to kill yourself? The next page is the main reason I wrote that. So, please, I beg you — go find someone you trust. Somebody who will stand by you no matter what, and ask them to remove everything you might use to harm yourself with. Because I won't let you do it, Bucky. Whatever you may think, whatever you may feel, please hold on to one thing — you are not the Winter Soldier. You are not responsible for what happened when he took over.'

Bucky's throat was dry. He couldn't breathe. His eyes kept focusing on the two last sentences. What did Evelyn mean? What had the Winter Soldier — no, what had he done? 

"Romanoff, I need your help."

Natasha'd been continuing her work on Evelyn's letters, letting Bucky read in peace, and looked up when he suddenly broke the silence. 

"What's wrong?" she asked. 

"Can you... remove anything you consider a weapon? Anything that could harm someone."

Her eyes widened in alarm at Bucky's request. She slowly straightened herself and gave him an intense look. 

"Why are you asking me that? What's going on?" she demanded.

Unable to say anything else, Bucky turned Evelyn's journal to her. Natasha pulled it close and read the last entry. Her mouth dropped. She met Bucky's gaze. 

"Please," he begged her. 

"Yeah." Natasha swallowed. "Yeah, okay."

She set to work, quickly removing all sharp and blunt objects in sight and locking them into the cabinets. Bucky moved to sit underneath the window, Evelyn's journal clutched in his hand. He slumped down on the cold floor and stared blankly ahead. His heartbeat grew more erratic with every new scenario his tortured mind came up with, each one more horrid than the last. 
Had HYDRA's mad scientist done something to him? To Evelyn? She mentioned the breeding experiment, so it had to be related to that. But surely Zola wouldn't have risked anything dangerous. Evelyn was the potential goose with the golden egg, and only Bucky could help in creating said egg. They were the only way to success for Zola. And that one guy, Nikolai, wouldn't have let anything bad happen either. Not if he'd really been in love with Evelyn. 

But she wasn't talking about something happening with me as Bucky. She was talking about the Soldier. Something happened between him and her. Oh, God, what did they make him do? 

Bucky bit his lip and closed his eyes, willing himself to remember. The sharp stabbing in his head nearly overpowered the ache in his heart. Images flashed through him. Evelyn kissing him in a tent. Her yelling at him in another tent, blood smeared over her face and hands. A scene from a black-and-white movie. A train leaving a station. His arms holding a trembling, naked body.
Then... a medical room. His titanium arm moving caramel-blonde hair away so he could whisper into a young woman's ear. Her fingers digging into the sides of an examination table. Periwinkle eyes, usually so full of fire and tenacity, now lowered in defeat. In acceptance.
Bucky gasped and opened his eyes. No, not that. Evelyn would never have allowed that. His gaze shifted down to her journal. An uncontrollable shaking took hold of Bucky's hand as he opened the book to the last page he read. A tear fell on the last sentence. He didn't bother brushing it away. Evelyn was right. If this was what he feared it was... he'd rather rot in hell, where he belonged.