Jordana

Chapter 29

"Now that you guys have gone public with your romance, you have quickly been one of the most talked about couples out there and I'm wondering what it's been like to under the watchful eyes of the public." Heather asks and I take a minute to think of a response. "How has your life changed since you went public with your relationship?"

"It has been pretty weird for me because I never received paparazzi unless there was a major scandal or I was spotted out with my famous friends." I rub my lips together. "The whole experience has been overwhelming as I have found myself having to constantly explain myself because everyone has this negative perception of me. Having a loving man meant that I had to learn how to accept myself for who I was and not allow the public to make me feel bad about my growth."

She points at me, "Amen to that." 

"I do not view myself as famous but I now understand that the people in this world are consumers who want to watch and they are going to do it regardless of what I say. The only thing that I can do for myself is live in my truth." I shrug my shoulders. "Things have been crazy since we announced our engagement as the big designers are sending me their items, wanting to design my wedding dress and we have all these networks wanting a reality series on us."

Heather's eyes light up, "Would you be open to a reality show on your lives?"

"We have both appeared on different reality shows so we know how it works behind the scenes and the editing tactics that the producers use to entice viewers so we would both have to be comfortable in that. Doing a reality series would expose a lot of our personal lives to the world and I value my privacy." Travis answers without a second thought. "For now, we are not looking to have one but we are open to possibly trying it but that would be a decision for us and us alone."

"Now the big question that is on everybody's lips..." I grimace because I know what she is going to ask. "When are the babies coming?"

"Jordana and I have spoken about having children but we will leave it at that." Travis winks at me and I wiggle my brows in response. "When we are ready to discuss that with the world, should we chose to then you will know."

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Jordana: Brown Skin Girl 

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My mother agreed to having a sit down with me which is something that we have needed to do for the longest time. Our relationship has been estranged from the minute I was born and although she was my primary caregiver, it never seemed as if she ever wanted me.

"This is awkward." My mom nervously laughs as she looks around my dining room. "It feels as if men with cameras are going to come out of the shadows and start documenting this."

I pull a face.

"Now that you finally have me in your presence, tell me what it is that you want to know." She takes a long sip of her iced tea. "What do you want to know?"

"I want to know your story." I softly say because my mother is unpredictable and I don't want her flipping out on me. 

"I was a baby when I gave birth to you, barely eighteen years old when I first met your father who I did not know had children until a year after you were born." My mom sighs deeply as she rubs the back of her neck. "We were not in relationship because he made it very clear that he did not do commitment no matter how much I wanted to be exclusively his. He... he was this older, mysterious guy that caught the attention of many people in our town and he chose me out of everybody."

"Then why stay?"

"He wanted me and that was more than enough for little ole me." She bites down on her bottom lip. "I fell pregnant not long after and he made me do a DNA test to ensure that you were his before reaffirming that this would not change anything between us."

"Wow." I shake my head in surprise because I did not know any of this, my parents have refused to speak about the relationship they had. "That sounds like shit."

"Your father did not help me raise you but he made sure that I had money to support you which made me feel grateful but still really hurt because I felt used." She rubs her face while shaking her head. "Your father uses women to create offspring's then he disappears and we are left to deal with the consequences. It's a pattern that I realised when it was too late but by then, he had moved on to the next woman. Our only contact following that were about the gifts he would give you for your birthday or holidays."

I never felt wanted or loved by my dad so this does not surprise me.

"You never have to defend me for how I raised you because I know that I did poorly which played a part in why I never had anymore children. I realised early on that maybe I was not cut out for motherhood, I did not have any family where I raised you and I did not have a partner to help raise you so I lost my identity in being your mom."

I want to apologise to my mother but I had no say in my birth. My mother may blame me for being born but it was never my fault and I am finally starting to understand why she was distant growing up even though it broke me.

"When you moved into your first apartment at eighteen, I took that as a sign that I could finally have a life so I moved back to Dominican Republic. You may see me living this wild, party life on my facebook but I had many breakdowns trying to figure out who the hell I was without you." She makes a small sound as she fights back tears. "I really struggled to be me."

"So why not call or text me outside of our scheduled visits?" I ask while fighting back my own tears. "I needed my mother even though I had moved out but you were never there."

"I didn't want you to need me." My mother breaks down in tears and I close my eyes as I start to cry myself. "I was not ready to give up my life again for you."

"That's so selfish." My voice breaks as I look at my mom and we both begin to bawl our eyes out. "Why would you even say or think something like that?" 

No further words are exchanged for several minutes as we wail without even offering the other person so much as a hug or a loving pat. My mother and I have never comforted eachother so all we are doing is hugging ourselves while the tears stream down our faces which only highlights how isolated we are from eachother.

"I wish I could have been a better mother for you but unfortunately, that's all in the past."

"That is all in the past but you are still my mother." I remind her because motherhood doesn't end when your children move out. "You still have the chance to be my mom which is all I ever wanted from you."

"I would like for us to start off as friends first before we move to that stag-" I shake my head at her request because that doesn't sound logical to me. "Look I'm trying here but you need to work with me."

"Come back to me as a mother." I sigh to myself as I reach for my own drink. "When you are ready for a relationship then come back to me but don't wait too long because I won't be sticking around like a little girl."

"I don't expect you to wait for me."