Alina Kanaan

Chapter 29

"Your parents asked me to take you somewhere. I want to go too. They're worried about you, Alina. They've never seen you this way before."

"Then, let's go."

We get into his car and drive off San Francisco bound. The trip is mostly silent until we get to the Golden Gate Bridge. All the sudden, Francisco starts crying out of nowhere. 

"What's wrong?!" I ask. He doesn't say anything until we go to a place where we can see the whole bridge and bay. We park there, but we don't get out of the car. At this point, Francisco is bawling. He's seriously scaring me.

"Francisco, what's wrong?!" I ask. I'm extremely concerned.

"My aunt committed suicide off this bridge. It was when we first came to America. She just felt hopeless because she lost her only son, my cousin, to cancer. Since the joy of her life was gone, she decided to end her own life. She told our family that she wanted to take a trip to the bridge just to walk on it and look at the bay, but-" he started to cry even more. I put my hand on his shoulder. 

The car is in silence for a while. I don't know what to say and neither does he. We just sit there, looking out at the bay and the bridge.

"I took you here because I don't want you to end your life, Alina. When I saw you tonight, I felt that you lost all hope. I know because like I told you last week, I wanted to end mine too. But I didn't do it. I drove myself up here and remembered my aunt. I appreciate life to the fullest now and never decline an opportunity to grow and improve myself. I may have many flaws, but I know I had even more back then. You know, if I would've ended my life that day then I would never have become a Muslim. I would've never felt the way I do now. I finally feel happy after the sadness I felt. 

"Allah wants you here for a reason. I feel like He wants me here for a reason too. That's why he didn't end both of our lives. That's why we're both here talking like this. If either one of us would've killed ourselves, we wouldn't be here as best friends talking about life. 

"I know that what Aman did to you was beyond cruel. I feel your hurt. It radiates off of you, making the people you care about feel the pain you feel. I know that you can't stop thinking about him. I know you miss him, but he's not worth it. This pain will go away eventually. Allah has a plan. He always does.

"As for being famous, it's not a bad thing. You are giving light to Islam after all the darkness the media has given it. You even had Mason and I convert because we met you. You are a bright example of Islam and how to be a pious Muslim. Plus, you shine a light on the Palestinian issue. Now more people are aware of it."

I take in everything he's said and then bawl like he was earlier. 

"I'm not a pious Muslim! I'm not a good example of a Muslim! I had sex with someone who wasn't even engaged to me! I was in a haram relationship! I lied to my parents! I was going to have a baby, but it was taken away from me! I could've had that baby! I could've gotten an STD or something because who knows how many girls Aman has had sex with! Who knows! All I know is that I'm far from perfect. I still have to work on myself because I've sinned so many times. I'm not a good example," I explain through my tears. I picture Aman telling me that because of me I made him close to Islam. Now, I know it's a lie. 

"Mera pyara, don't cry," I hear Aman's voice in my head. I get out of the car, sit on the ground, and cover my ears. 

"Shut up!" I yell. I don't care how I look right now. I don't care if Francisco thinks I'm mentally insane, which I just might be. What I care about is recovering. I have never been like this in my whole life. I know that something is wrong with me, that or I've been through a lot of stress and pressure throughout these few months. I believe my problem is the latter. 

I got carried away because I fell in love with Aman. I realize that everything that happened to us was too fast. We should've waited to get engaged. I shouldn't have been his girlfriend. I should've slowed down and think of what I was doing. Instead of a blessing, Aman was a lesson. 

Francisco sits on the ground next to me and wraps his arms around me as I let out all of the tears. I haven't cried this much in ages, not even when I had a breakdown in my room in the mansion that one time. This is all of my feelings of hurt caused by rejection, worthlessness, neglect, loss, and other things coming out all at once. Francisco must be insane because not even he cried this much when we came up here in the car.

"I'm grateful to have you, Francisco. Thank you for being here for me in my worst. No one has seen me like this in a very long time," I say after I'm done crying. I'm aware that my face is probably covered in makeup now. I probably look like a mess. Don't even get me started on my hair either.

"Don't thank me, Alina. I'm always here for you, remember that."

For a split second, we smile at each other with the widest grins ever. Life feels good knowing that I have him by my side. He has never gone away from me.

We talk for a while about various things while I clean off my face. 

"If you want, I can go to the doctor with you to get checked if you have any STDs," Francisco offers. I'd rather have him go with me than my parents because I still feel ashamed for lying to them and for my actions.

"That would be nice. Thank you," I reply. I tell myself I'll make an appointment in the morning and hope there's a spot open tomorrow. It'll be my last day in Santa Rosa before going to Hollywood again. 

We eventually drive back to Santa Rosa. It's one a.m. by the time he drops me off at my house. He walks me to the door and says good night.

That night, I sleep with no worries until Aman and Salma sneak up in my mind.

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Assalamu alykoum! I'm sorry that it took me so long to update. I have gone through emotional issues in the past week, but I feel better alhamdulilah. All I can say is, isn't Francisco a sweet guy? :)