Never You (Penelope/Colin)

Part 5

"But that wouldn't be true for us, would it?" He didn't move, yet it felt like his body swayed closer, encroaching on her personal space, making it impossible for her to think. Even breathe. "Because there is love between us. There always has been."

Her heart pounded in her chest. For so long she'd yearned for his love, ached for it. Over the years there were so many times she thought herself a fool for even thinking he could love her. But then he would seek her out in a crowd to dance with her, they would talk about things they dare not discuss with others, and the hope in her heart would bloom despite her insecurities. Just like it did now. "Speak clearly, Colin. Do you love me?"

"Of course I love you. I've loved you since we were children. You're my dearest friend."

"But are you in love with me?"

"Are you?"

She swallowed the lump in her throat. There were children playing in the park, families around them talking and laughing. Yet all she felt was Colin's piercing gaze tear through her, the air thick with tension as the minutes ticked by. "Yes. Even though I desperately wish I wasn't."

His face ran the whole gamut of emotions, from utter shock to panic to fear. "I... Pen..."

"You're not in love with me," she stated matter-of-factly.

"No."

His response didn't come as a surprise, she had always known the truth. And despite the pain that wracked through her, she felt relief. Because she would no longer have to wonder. Now there was certainty and it brought with it a strong desire to move on.

There was much trepidation in his voice as he spoke next. "I'm sorry if I-"

"There's no need to apologize." Her voice was calm, steady. "You haven't done anything wrong." She glanced behind him, her eyes absently taking in the view behind. "We can't help who we love." There was a numbness that slowly spread through her, enveloping her heart, her very being.

"I care for you, Pen. And I know you, you're kind and sweet and want to see the best in people. Which is why I'm worried-."

"You don't know me," she replied, snapping out of her daze. His face came back into focus, along with the rest of the world. "Not really. You've only seen certain facets, parts that I've chosen to show. I've always been so worried about what others would think, of being palatable to my family, to you and Eloise, to society... and for what? What was even the point?" She started pacing, her mind reeling.

As much as she aspired to be good, she could never fully commit to it. Lady Whistledown was borne from the part of her that wanted retribution against the ton for always ignoring her. In the clear light of day she was voiceless and unwanted, but in the shadows was where she thrived, where her words meant something and she had value and control. There was a time when she used to think the different parts of her could coexist and she could still be more good than bad, but Eloise's words during their last argument proved otherwise.

"What are you talking about?" He blocked her path, forcing her to look up at him. A confused expression marked his beautiful face. "I've always known who you are."

She peered up at him. Everything he said about her – kind and sweet and only seeing the best in people – was actually true of Colin himself. He deserved someone who was equally beautiful and kind, and that would never be her. "You've been a good friend, to me and my family. And I appreciate your concern but I can look out for myself. Arthur is a good man-"

"Arthur?" The sudden vitriol in Colin's voice was sharp. "Arthur what?"

"That's not important," she said dismissively. "What matters is you no longer have to worry about me, Colin. I absolve you of that responsibility."

"You do, do you?" Anger laced his voice, his eyes growing dark with contempt. "Because of this Arthur?" He took a step forward, crowding her, the proximity between them so close that she could feel his breath humming her skin, could almost feel the touch of his fingers against her gloves. "Tell me, Penelope, does he know you? Did you show him all the parts of you that you claim to have kept hidden from the rest of us?"

Irritation surged through her at his mocking tone, but she reminded herself to be patient. "He understands me better than most."

"A man you've known for mere months?" Colin's eyes glistened with fury. "Why does he get that privilege? What has he done to earn your trust so easily?"

The hate in his voice took her by surprise. "Why are you behaving this way, Colin? I thought you would be happy for me."

Jaw clenched, anger masking his features, his eyes roamed over her face. "You expect me to live a life without you in it and be happy about it?"

"So what should I do, be a spinster for the rest of my life to appease you? Do you not see how selfish that is?"

"I don't give a damn!"

Penelope noticed the glances thrown in their direction, the look of concern in Martha's face. Even though Colin hadn't raised his voice, the tension on his face made it clear they were having an argument. Taking a deep breath, she tried to calm him down. "This isn't who you are, Colin."

"Isn't it? Maybe it's you who doesn't know me." He dipped his head lower, his eyes smoldering with rage. "Maybe I've always been unreasonable and selfish. Maybe I'm willing to do whatever it takes to protect the people who matter to me."

She didn't know if the threat in his voice was deliberately meant to scare her but it elicited the opposite reaction, provoking her anger. "You're not my guardian or my protector. I'm not your responsibility. I don't need anything from you."

Instead of backing off, his voice grew more determined. "You don't have a choice in this matter, Penelope. I will not lose you."

"Except I'm not yours to lose. I do not belong to you. You don't get to make demands on me when you don't even love me," she reminded him coldly. "I will marry the man I choose and live the life I want. And it's you who has no say in that matter."

Feeling strongly in her resolve, she turned and walked away.

To be continued...