A Man, a Girl, a Deserted Island - - A Crazy Epic Love Saga

Episode 18: Attack of the Phantoms

"Santé!" he says and raises the bottle towards me, then sucks down everything in it like a baby.

I sigh and utter clumsily:

"Me don't understand at you!"

"I said 'cheers'!" he shouts in English.

"Me don't understand you!" I say impassively. "Not English! Not at all English! Zero."

"Oh, really?" he laughs. "Are you kidding me? I thought you spoke quite fluently when you were asking the stuttering guy for cherry-flavored cigars."

"Cigarette leaves, not cigars!" I say angrily and light up a filthy Marlboro. I blow the smoke in his direction, but he can't notice because I'm a smart guy and I do it very subtly.

He looks at me with cold eyes. I start to tense up. What if he attacks?

"All women are sluts!" he suddenly rages.

That's it, my heart dies inside me. It stops beating.

"I understand zero of what you're saying there," I mutter quietly. "Zero divided by four. I speak a little Russian, a little French, and very, very little English."

"Why didn't you say so, buddy? I'm French. We can speak in Voltaire's language if you want. But no matter what language you say it in, the truth is that all women are sluts with diplomas. You can believe that. Jean-Louis said it!"

"I don't know if I've read anything by Jean-Louis! I think I've heard of Voltaire, but not the other one."

"Jean-Louis is me."

"Ah! Nice to meet you," I say mockingly as I sip my ice cube.

And to think that my little trick had been working wonders until now... I used to say "Me don't understand English" and that was it. Now this guy comes along and messes up my statistics.

"All women are sluts!" he rages again.

From what I can tell, the Frenchman is part of that gang of idiots who think they're immune to trouble just because they have slightly broader shoulders.

False!

Even a guy as big as a door falls like lightning if you kick him in the balls.

Or in the knees.

But it seems that Jean-Louis hasn't had such a shocking experience yet, so he keeps going on about his slutty women.

I know that if I don't ask, he'll keep going like this until tomorrow morning, like an idiot. He's too drunk to realize he's stuck on a loop. I have to unblock him.

"Why do you say that, Jean-Louis?" I ask sweetly.

"Because all the women I've met were like that," he replies gruffly.

"Maybe you haven't met enough, Jean-Louis. Don't give up so easily. I've seen plenty of non-slutty women on the left side of the beach. Look... over there. If you take it slow, you'll surely find two or three more."

"Don't play smart with me, big mouth!" he says with a frozen face.

Lord, you know how much I hate drunks! Why did you put this one in my path? Everything was fine until now.

Why? Why?

"Are you joking with me?" he suddenly snaps.

The man is asking for a kick in the balls. But I can't give it to him like this, sitting on the sun lounger. I'll have to stand up.

I calculate the distance with my eyes. I start to flex my right ankle slowly. You never know when, but you know how.

"No need to get upset, buddy," I say in a bored tone. "How about we get up for a bit? We could use some stretching. Movement is good."