The lost promise

1. Chapter

I hide my pain when I say your name. But the pain in my heart is still the same. Although I smile and seem care free. There is no one missing you more than me. Regret, loneliness, emptyness, selfhatred and-, no I have to stop, but let me tell you, those are the words that describe my soul. No, no, there are no words that can describe my soul. They are undescribeful... my soul and feelings. But there is one thing I am sure of; I am alive.... I can tell because of the pain. ''Your smile is not as bright as it used to be'', they say. Little do they know the regret, lonelines, emptyness I am feeling. But I am releaved that they don't know. I don't want any human beings, not even animals, insects, or any living being on this cruel life to pity me. I don't need this thing called pity. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it, not even a small amount of it. I wish I could go back in time. What a dumb and selfish wish. It is my fault, and now I am wishing if I could turn back time. I will have to live with the result of my actions. One time I read a book, there was a quote which I laughed at when I first read it, but now... now I can confirm that it is true. ''Live your life as if there is no tomorrow...'' My first thought when I heard this sentence; I can remember it as if it was today. ''Why would I live my life as if there is no tomorrow; I am sure I will be alive or is it because I will regret something, even so I'll forget over the time.'' That was my first thought about this sentence. How unmature I was; I..., I just wish to correct this one mistake. No, not only one..., my whole life. If I hadn't met him; would it be different now? I am not sure... well, to be honest, I regret meeting him. I regret it so deeply, senselessly, terribly. He wouldn't have had this tragic, cruel, ... end. His last words were not even regret or saddness. I was expecting him to blame me, to scream at me, to tell me how he wanted to live a long life full happiness, laughter, and joy with the person he loved the most. I was expecting him to make me feel regret; but at this point, he succeeded anyway. Well, all of my expectations were wrong more than just wrong. I feel ashamed of myself, thinking that he would be such a person. Did I even consider him as a person? ''Don't cry, please don't cry... seeing your tears breaks my heart so deeply and terribly as if they were my tears no, not tears rather my blood as if your piercing my heart with a knife; not a normal one rather a very sharp one. Every tear of yours is like you're piercing my heart with this tear, so please stop. Stop crying, I am begging you... don't you pity my situation if so stop please. I am not blaming you, because I know how it feels to be blamed and left alone in this empty, cruel world with only regret; and even if didn't knew how it felt, I would not blame you. All of this is my choice and decision till the very end no other than mine and this is the result of my decision. I don't see any reason to blame you. Even if there was one or infinite ones, I would not do it. There is no need for you to be blamed. I know, I said it uncountable times, but I sincerely love you. My only, truly wish was to hear those words from you, Celestine, my whole life. I just wished to hear them from you. But see how unlucky I am. I love you, I do sincerely, strangely I don't question myself while saying those three words. Even though I question every single word I say. You are special, yes, very special. I don't think I am ever going to forget you. I will always hold a piece of you wherever I go. Even if you regret meeting me, I never did. I love you, and it will surely always be you. Take care, and just forget that a person like me existed; live your life and I am sure you will find a person you'll love. I will m-." Those were his last words. He could not even complete his sentence. He didn't even mention himself one time. How could he love me more than himself. He wished for me to live a life where I was happy. Where I wouldn't blame myself, where I would live a happy life with another person than him. How hurt he must have felt while saying this sentence. But how could I do this? HOW? I'm really sorry, it seems that even his last wish; I couldn't do it; like a lost promise. Well, he can be happy now. I would die just to say those three words to him. ''I love you, I love you, Lucius, I can't live without you, and if I could live a life again, I would repeat every mistake as long as it leads back to you." Will I ever find someone or somebody who loved me like he did or more than he did? It all started about 15 years ago. Well, 15 years and 5 months to be exact. I will never forget that day. There was a weird rumor about a sheep that has been going around our village lately. They say that the sheep is always hungry, which is why he eats trees and sometimes even humanbeings. There is one more thing, and this one is insane they say he is a cursed human being (in the morning, he is an animal, and at night, he is a human being). When my friends told me this at school, I became so curious that I was thinking about it the whole day. I could not even concentrate at class. "I've to find out if the rumor is true," I thought in my head, full of thoughts. So I decided to go home quickly after school. I was soooo excited because I liked exploring things. After school, I went to a farmer in our neighbourhood. I asked him some questions, where can I find this sheep, etc. He actually answered all my questions, but he warned me not to go there and see the sheep. Because I was known for doing such things in our village. Well, why do I have to care anyway? Exploring things is very important because that's how you can answer tons of questions in your head, and particularly, you always learn new things, and adventures are always fun. Don't you agree with me? A while later, I went to the place where I was told the sheep is. It was a very silent forest. The sky was vanished by clouds almost completely. The air was rich with the fragrance of leaves, loam, and damp, too. Suddenly, rain began to fall and fall. Raindrops were washing over my face so strongly that it feels as if I am in the flow of a river rather than a rain shower, one that leaves me standing yet lets me know that it is here to stay for a while. And so the only thing to do is to keep walking, to accept it as easily as the air I am breathing, to see it run over the earth. For some minutes, I thought time had stopped because of how much I was enjoying this rare moment. But suddenly I saw a fleecy, snowwhite sheep. It glared at me with his raven black, wide eyes, as if it was looking into my soul, but at the same time, he looked innocent and cute. A thought suddenly flashed in my head, "this must be the sheep, which they talked about. Isn't supposed to be a big and ugly sheep, and if he is really a cursed human being, he must know how to talk even as his animal form. This doesn't make sense! Well, rumors are rumors. anyways they can not be trusted!" Then the sheep started walking back while looking at me as if he was telling me to follow him. It was really fun to see all kinds of plants, flowers, trees, and even the most beautiful birds, we walked about thirty minutes, but time was lightning fast. Suddenly, my eye catched an abandoned house. At least at first glance, it looked like an abandoned old house. The old, wooden, dark door began to open it was making noises. A tall, old, man dressed in black and white came out, his eyes were looking around at first then he looked at the sheep after that our eyes met, right after that he started talking to me he said with a quietly and sick voice:"May I help you, dear?" The map of wrinkles on his face told of the most incredible journey. His eyes lines told of laughter, of warm smiles and affection. His forehead told of worries past and worries present. But mostly, they were so deeply engrained they told or a man who traveled through eight decades to that moment; to stand here as an old man. To be dismissed as "old" when he has so much more than the sum of his parts. He had that look about him, the look of a life well lived, one where love took a front row seat in the challenging times and good times. "Is there something on my face he asked?"he asked. "No, no, I'm so sorry!"I replied akwardly. "So, will you tell me what you are doing here?"he said questionable. My head was blank, I didn't know what to answer. "Should I tell him about the rumor?"I said under my breath. "What rumor are you talking about?"he asked doubtful. "How did he hear that? Did I talk too loud?"I thought desperately. "Well, where should I start it is actually a long story, and I don't think the story will be interesting or thrilling to you, but if you want to I can tell you the story." He wanted to tell me something, but suddenly I started coughing. He said:"Come in, you are drowned with water, you'll catch a cold." I hesitated a bit, but I had no other choice, so I came along, and he led me into the house. I would be lying if I said that I'm not scared. But as I said, I have no other choice. The house from the inside looked also old as if it were ancient house. But accually the most interesting places are places like this, because they are full of mysteries and secrets. He asked me if i wanted a cup of tea. ''Why not'', I thought. ''Yes, it would be my pleasure, if you don't mind'', I said grateful. Then he went to the kitchen. I asked him if he wanted any help; he said:''No, thank you, you can rest''. The room where I was in had many old books, an old piano, old pictures and other old things; a very interesting room or the entire house must be interesting. Suddenly, I heard from above a very angelic, melancholic, soothing, and heartfelt sound; it was a song from the piano. I closed my eyes and enjoyed hearing the song. "Who is this skilled person who is playing such an emotional song?"I thought. I enjoyed the song so much that when the old man came in, I didn't hear it. When the song was finished; I opened my eyes and saw the old man sitting in front of me at the table and was dinking his tea very calmly. "My son plays the piano very good, doesn't he?"he asked, very proud and friendly. "So, this was your son, well he plays it very, very good. He must have trained very much. He plays it from the heart, as if he is expressing his feelings that he can't describe with our language by playing the piano. How poetic."I said without realizing it. "Oh, ah, I didn't mean what I sa-." Ahhahahoho, my, my, you don't have to be so shy. You're the first person to ever talk about my son like this."he said with a sad and thoughtful look on his face. "But why would he look sad?"I thought. Suddenly, a boy around my age came down the stairs. It was night, the moonlight sparkled on his face, from the window. He had dark black hair, and it was shining because of the moon as if it was part of the inky night sky, yes as dark as the night sky. How beautiful, it reminds me of the dark, black, beautiful and placid night skies, where I was sitting on the green, lush and soft grass and looking at the stars as if they were calling me and talking to me. His skin was so white that you could resemble it to snow. His cheeks were bright red. He looked like a boy from a painting, so handsome. Still, he had that hatred, sad, and calm look on his face. Why?