you feel suicidal

Start from the beginning
                                    

I have been told not to trust school counselors before because they can tell your parents and shit so I'm playing my cards safe. "Would you like to elaborate?" I shake my head. "Ok well we have about 2 hours here so if you would like to talk, you are more than welcome to. I promise I won't tell anyone" she looks at me sweetly. She seems nice, I think. I think for about 5 minutes, staring at the wall. "Ok" I whisper, "I'll talk," I say again, slightly louder. 

 She just nods, waiting for me to begin. "Um, I feel kind of alone?" I begin, taking a shaky but deep breath. "I feel like I can feel myself slipping but I don't know how to stop it. I feel like everyday is just a constant reply and nothing really matters "I say blankly, not showing any emotions. Amanda just nods, respectfully. I feel safe with her, so I open up a little more. 

"I cut myself" i admitted, ashamed. "I think it's kind of my outlet, for when things g-get too much. I just find comfort in that "I tell her, tears forming in my eyes. Amanda just nods, like she's used to high school kids crying in her office about their cutting issues, I mean I guess she is. "I'm so sorry y/n, do you know maybe why you're feeling this way?" she asks. I nod again. 

"I think it's because I don't see my mum much, she's always working and I have no other parental figure or siblings so it's just kind of me. And s-ometimes i wish she could just hang out with me or look u-up from her phone at dinner but she doesn't. It's almost like she doesn't care. And sometimes I wonder if she would even care if I was gone "I finished, crying full on tears at this point. Amanda passes me a box of tissues, writing down a few things. 

"Thank you so much y/n" Amanda says softly. "I am so glad you chose to let some things of your chest and share them with me" she tells me. "However, since you did express emotions of self harm,suicidal ideations and depression i have to contact your mother" no, no please no "no what" i said immediately. 

"You said you won't tell anyone, you can't tell my mum she will get mad, she's at work please" I start panicking again but Amanda just picks up her phone and steps outside. I stay in her office crying until my mom comes.

"Hey baby" my mum comes to sit down next to me, about 20 minutes later with Amanda. "I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way my love" she rubs my back and i almost start crying at how much she cares. "Come on love, let's go home" she kisses my forehead and leads me to the car. Maybe she really does care about me "y/n y/l/n!" Taylor all of a sudden yells at me. 

"Yes mom" I told her, confused. "Can you not be selfish for 1 day! 1! All I ask for is 1 day and you have to go and make up some sort of lie to get out of school. Pathetic. You selfish girl!" she raises her voice at me, making fresh tears appear on my face. Taylor continues to berate me until we get home. "Young lady, where do you think you're going?" she asks me when I start to walk upstairs, done with this day. "Upstairs?" I told her. 

"No way, missy, laptop, phone, ipad and tv adapter here now" she pointed to the counter. Why can't she just understand? I bring my things down before she updates me on her plans. 

"Now i'm going back to the studio then i have a date" she tells me randomly, picking her things back up about to leave the house. "Try to not pull any more suicidal shit please" she mumbles before leaving. That pushes me over the edge.

 i thought she was going to listen, understand, change but no it was all for show. Just like her love. I walk upstairs, pill bottle in hand ready to end this shit.

Taylors POV:

"And then i got a fucking call from the school saying she needs mental help and shit" i take a swig of whisky i kept in my studio, ranting to jack. "Like come one at least make a reasonable excuse" I joke expecting Jack to laugh too but he doesn't, instead he gets mad. "Taylor! What the fuck?" He raised his voice at me. "Woah calm down buddy" I laugh, drinking some more.

 "Uh no you have enough" he pulls the bottle away from me, angrily. "Jack calm down, why are you so mad?" I ask him, laying down on the sofa I'm sitting on. "Because taylor! Your daughter has been cutting herself for weeks, she feels depressed, she wants to kill herself and you are here making jokes about it! Wake up" he shocks me.

 "Taylor, how do you know she is even safe at home right now?" he asks me, irritated. I finally realise, "fuck jack your right" i tell him tears in my eyes. "I need to go," I told him, grabbing my coat. "Yes you fucking do" he hurries me out. I ran to my car, breaking all the road rules. I have to get home to my baby. How could I have been so stupid, so oblivious to the fact that my baby was struggling. She had told me twice today and I was making jokes about it.

 I rushed home and bolted up stairs, sobbing with every step I took. I went to y/ns bathroom door and rattled the door when it didn't open. "y/n?" I yelled. "y/n its mama, i'm so sorry baby for everything. Please open up" I cried, holding on to the door, banging on it until it broke. "No" I say, as I see y/n's frail little body lying lifeless on the floor. Vomit coating the entire sink and toilet, blood all over her wrists and neck and an empty bottle of pills sitting next to her.

 "No y/n" I shake her. "y/n i'm so sorry baby " i picked her up checking her pulse. "Please baby," I screamed, rocking her back and forth but I knew it was no use.

 My baby, 

my life was gone and it was all my fault.

If your struggling with anything like this don't be afraid to speak to someone xx 

Pls a part 2 where tay makes it in time to save her and then tries real hard to make it up to her and get very protectiv

3w ago

1
Damn can can you do a second part we’re Taylor has another child and is really over parenting

3w ago

1
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