𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝟖 (𝐅𝐀𝐍𝐅𝐈𝐂)

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝟏𝟕 | 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧,𝐭 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝

"No thank you.." I mumbled, slipping my hand out of hers and sinking further into my chair. I crossed my arms and tried to ignore the increasing bubble of anger and hatred that furiously overtook my chest. The thought could make me vomit.

Joe cocked a brow at me. "Not interested in love, huh?"

I smirked. "I'd Rather slit my throat."

Joey chuckled, And Shannon smacked my shoulder lightly: Muttering; Don't say things like that, Orla. I refrained from rolling my eyes as they Joey began to explain how love felt for him. And while I didn't want anything to do with love or relationships in generally, I still listened intently.

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NOVEMBER 30, 2004

I stormed into our house, my stomach mixing with nerves as my sister stood beside me. I hated the house, rather the reminders the house carried: I hadn't got a hit of anything today from Cara, she hadn't picked anything up from her supplier and my body was craving the numb feeling it relieved me.

"How is she?" Shannon asked.

"Heard the toilet flush twice, but that's about it." Joe called over his shoulder, and I could smell the mince burning. "Shit, fuck, shit!" He cursed.

"Nice Language." I heard Tadgh's snarky remark from the kitchen table. "Should I learn to spell those words too, Joe?"

My lunch spun around in my stomach as I studied the familiar panes of the house. I hated this house. It haunted every single memory and was the star to every nightmare keeping me awake at night.

And without my usual fix, my body was exhausted and my eyes stung with exhaustion, My lip throbbed and a metallic taste was caught in my mouth. I had to fight off Ciara Maloney and her pack of bitches today from Shannon on our walk back here. Apparently she was eyeing one of their boys, I knew it was a lie.

And I hope they know that too now. I hope their noses stop bleeding as well.

Shannon cried to me, repeatedly how sorry she was I had to look after her as she was my big sister. I told her to pack it in because I was grand and thoroughly enjoyed kicking stupid girls asses when their being insecure and ignorant. I find it thrilling.

Because she was my sister and I'd do anything for her.

Although it wasn't enough to keep the anger brewing in my body away. My Da had left, claimed he found a new woman and we could all burn in hell.

Fucking, fuck, fucker!

So of course, my mam was hidden away in her bedroom. Sulking like the love of her life had left her. Like someone who doesn't beat her and her kids left her, like someone not nearly as disgusting as my father had left her.

I don't understand why she's like this. Why she can't cope with the thought of him being with some other girl, or him leaving her. Like she couldn't cope with being safe from his fists, or from his assaults. It confused me so much it made me angry.

Angry at her.

Angry at him.

Hate her.

Hate him.

I just wanted to scream at her. Scream at her to stop being like this, to choose everyone but him. To choose us.

But I don't think she can. I don't think she is capable of choosing anything but fear and him.

I don't understand why she cries for Joey when He's hurting her. But cries for him when he leaves.

I don't understand how she can love someone that terrifies her more than anything.

How can she love him more than us?

I don't understand.
I don't understand.
I don't understand.
I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!

Why?
Why?
Why?

Why, Mam!

"Orla?" I looked down to see my little brothers big brown eyes and messy blonde hair, Two slobbery hands palmed my calves, he hopped a bit and I swallowed the lump in my throat and bent down to swooped him up.  "What is it.. uh, Seany-boo." I tried to smile but my chest hurt.

He held my cheeks with his slobbery hands, looked at me intense. I didn't know if I was holding him wrong, because this felt unnatural. Holding a little baby in my arms felt wrong, poisonous almost. "Seany, poos!" He hollered.

I widened my eyes and tried to look excited and I adjusted him a million times in my arms, searching for something that felt comfortable. Real. "Did ya, little Lad?" I scrunched my nose instead of gagging in disgust at the thought.

I hesitantly patted his head. "Proud of you, Seany-boo." I tried a smile, and slide him down the side of my body. He smiled up at me sweet and cheekily clapping his hands cheerfully as he stalked in the direction, tailing behind my big brother.

Tadgh snorted and looked at me in amusement. "A click-or-is." He barked out a laugh and I furrowed my brows in curiosity, searching for an immediate distraction from my stupid fecking brain. "A what?"

"A click-or-is. Joe said it's a clicker." Ollie chirped cheerfully, smiling wolfishly. "But My teacher said only girls have it, but Joe won't tell me where it is. I think it's unfair you girls gots it but we boys don'ts."

"It's Got and don't Ollie." Tadgh grumbled. My eyebrows shot up to my head and I snorted. "A click-or-is?" I retorted, and when I shared a glance with Tadgh we had busted into a fit of laughter.

Distracting.
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kinda bad, but I also need to hurry up and get past these stages so you guys don't get bored.

TIKTOK **ADORABLISS**