Short stories

Spiral (TW)

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Disclaimer: Slight mentions topics such as death, ED, anxiety and depression. Reader discretion is advised.
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Our hearts are always beating, whether happy, sad, angry, or confused, it never stops. Not until something stops it for us.
The brain doesn't listen to facts, especially in a state of panic. It works faster, more rapidly. One thought after the other invading each other's space, over and over and over. In turn, your heart takes on similar duties. It beats faster, all in order to keep up with your brain.
The side effects of living with anxiety, specifically one that focuses on your health, is the extreme panic over one small, insignificant thing, be it pain, a reaction or imagination. The ability to overthink overpowers your ability to think logically, and stay calm and collected.
Each day I eat less and less, losing more and more weight to the point where I can see my ribs in my chest. To the point where I'm always hungry but never want to eat. To the point where I can feel my heartbeat. To the point where I get palpitations and dizziness and begin to feel tired and drained. To the point where I become overstimulated, overwhelmed, start overthinking and my anxiety skyrockets off the charts. To the point where I'm constantly being lectured about things I already know, knowing that being lectured only makes it worse but can never do a thing about it because it's your parents. You'll only be seen as a bad kid.
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All in all, I am tired.
I'm tired of all the things that hold me back, tired of everything that stops me from doing the things I dream of achieving. I'm tired of being the disappointment in my family, tired of letting everyone down no matter who they are, including myself. I'm tired of being blamed, I'm tired of doing nothing right, I'm tired of being made to feel like shit. I'm tired of hating myself.
I'm tired of being insecure, I'm tired of not caring about my life, I'm tired of worrying about all the 'what if's', tired about all the impossible results that seem so real and likely in my head. I'm tired of being stressed, anxious, scared, embarrassed, hated, guilty, sad, dirty, ugly, and so much more.
I'm tired of it all.
I'm tired of thinking bad thoughts, but I'm thankful that I remind myself of why I'm still here.
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I'm thankful for the hope I still have, I'm thankful for the people that stick around even though I seem insufferable, I'm thankful I even have an opportunity in this life, I'm thankful for how fortunate I am and the opportunities I'm given. I'm thankful to have a good family despite their flaws. But. I'm. Tired.
I'm tired of being let down, and letting others down. I'm tired of how hateful people are, how unfair, unequal, how racist, sexist, homophobic, judgemental, unjust, how gross and how many hateful acts people commit against each other. I'm tired by the lack of acceptance, freedom, empathy, rights people have.
I'm tired of war, I'm tired of genocide. I'm tired of people's ignorance, arrogance, idiocy, greed, selfishness, shitty morals. I want people to love or at the very least, accept each other. We exist, end of.
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I'm angry at the world. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry, I'm tired and I'm scared.
I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to yell at the world and scream 'FUCK YOU'. I want to tell god he can shove it up his FUCKING ASS!
I want to prove people wrong, and prove people right. I want to show my love, I want to help people and give them hope and kindness.
I want to be okay.
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I want to stop caring, I want to be less kind, I want to be tougher, I want to be clever, I want to be able to focus on something. I want to stop being depressed. I want my family to understand. I want to be able to tell people how I feel so I'm not alone and holding it all in. I want to stop being a burden and so fucking stupid. I want to stop being anxious. I want to be normal, but I want to be different.
I want to be loved but I don't want to be suffocated.
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I want to be the best me, I want to be a new me, I want to kill this me. I hate her, I hate me, but I love me. I love myself but I hate her just as much. I want to die, but I have hope and I'm terrified. I want to live but I'm fed up.
I want to be free. I want to stop feeling.
I'm angry.
I'm tired.
I'm hateful.
And I'm so fucking scared.