Life After Rehab ✓

[Chapter Thirty-One] Where He Finds Some Fight

"Oh baby." She didn't turn from him, she got up and I scooted over for her to wrap her arms around him and I thought it was a good sign to see him cry, it sucked but it helped.

"I'm so sorry mom." She kissed the top of his head and I hugged her from the side.

"I love you honey and it's going to be okay." And he needed to hear that. I didn't have them when I went through this the first time and now Carter and I can go through it together, keep each other honest and sober.

"I'm sorry; I don't want to be like him."

"You're not your father." She was stern when she said that, like she was ready to smack it into him if she needed to. "Neither of my boys are and you know I would never turn my back on my babies." She yanked us both into an uncomfortable, painful and awkward hug when she put one arm around each of our shoulders.

"I know mom." It took me a long time but I knew I wasn't him and I was wrong to think that I was doomed to be, I let it be an excuse for a long time and that wasn't acceptable.

"You're going to be okay, both of you." she kissed my forehead and then his.

"I know." I looked at Carter and he smiled, we were kind of leaning and falling over and my neck was very uncomfortable and that was what made this amusing, we were grown men and not children anymore but no one told mom that.

"I love you both, I'm proud of you both and I know you boys can make the right decisions." She finally let us go and I rubbed the left side of my neck and she didn't look the least bit sorry, not that I expected her too.

"Julian's a month sober and I'm two weeks." Carter informed her

"And we'll both make it to a year together." I looked at him. A year was both a long term and short term goal at the same time, we needed to make it a month and then six first as milestones and a year felt like forever but at the same time it was nothing compared to how much longer we had, the rest of our lives.

It would be a hard journey but I knew we could get through it.

"Thank you for being honest with me." Mom said and I turned to see Danielle leaning against the wall into the living room and she was crying.

"I am so proud of you." Carter got up and hugged her and she clung to him, for better or worse they were husband and wife and she was standing by him and I bet she's been waiting for this moment a long time.

"When are you going to get your girl back?" Mom asked me "I want you to be happy too, I want you to have that." She looked over at them and Danielle's arms were tightly wrapped around his shoulders and his arms were locked around her waist, her face buried in his chest.

"I've really hurt her and I would love to have her back but I'm not going to force it, baby steps." I did have something planned and it started with releasing another song. I wrote it and I told them I wanted one recording, they would do the video and the original recording at the same time and then I wanted it released, they could retouch it for the album but I wanted the raw version to be the first to go out.

It was a raw song and a painful one to write.

I was trying to get my life back together and this was part of it, whether she forgave me or not she deserved an apology and I was going to make it as public as everything else was.

I had been going to therapy a lot and was finally feeling at peace with my life again and was at a good place in my life to do this, to relive this, to accept that she was gone fully. It's been a month but there was always that part of me that refused to accept it was over and for me it's not, I just hoped that in time she would feel the same.

She never came back for all her stuff and I didn't have the heart to pack it. I did rearrange the apartment and was annoyed when she transferred rent for the month into my account, other than that she hasn't touched it and she left the card to my account here, I don't know why I actually expected anything different.

It took me five days to get up the courage to go and do this, I went into the studio and sat down in the booth, there was a camera set up right in front of me and I stared at it for the longest time before my producer came in.

"Are you sure about this, Julian?" she asked me. Kara was a nice woman, in a world that strived to remain impersonal, she tried to do the opposite with her clients and I took that for granted a lot. She's been there through a lot; she bought me time and found loopholes in my contract so I wouldn't get fined when it took an extra two years to do it.

She wanted me to be better, in a better place to write this and when I wanted to make changes she fought for them with me and she stood in front of me; dressed to impress like always but she looked concerned. She was probably ten years older, not old enough to be like a mother but more like an aunt, motherly and friendly; blunt and unapologetic for it.

"Not really but I'm doing it." this was a huge step for me, my first song was finished and had been released as of thirty seven minutes ago. I had been fighting with myself for a while on this and it was time, it was time to try to start healing and stop hiding.

She deserved this, with everything else she put up with me the least she deserved was a decent apology from me, I was mostly concerned it would hurt her or make things worse for her and I had to know, I had to see if there was something there that was savable or if I was truly beyond her forgiveness, beyond working things out.

Either way I needed to know, I needed to figure out how I was going to move forward with my life and so I grabbed the guitar and I looked down at it as I started to play it.

The room was darkened in the back so the band wouldn't be seen and they would come in, I looked directly at the camera in front of me, the closest thing I had to looking right at her when I started singing the words.

"Oh I have a lot to say, I was thinking on my time away, I miss you and things weren't the same cause everything inside, it never comes out right and when I see you cry, it makes me want to die."

The rest of the guys came in and started to play with me, the music picked up and I had to focus to keep looking forward. The chorus was the hardest part for me to write, I needed to try to find the right words and even now as I sing them I don't know it they are.

Nothing could ever seem like the right words to express just how truly sorry I was to her, not just because I cheated on her, but for everything.

"I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all the things I said to you and I know, I can't take it back. I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds and baby the way you make my world go round and I just wanted to say, I'm sorry."

I was sorry for blaming her, I was sorry that I took her for granted, that I made her feel inadequate or any kind of self-loathing. I was sorry for fighting her on everything, on being immature and trying to hurt her or get on her nerves.

I don't know if anyone will actually understand all of that or get that from the song but I hoped that she would. I finished the song and I noticed that my eyes had betrayed me when I touched damn skin but I refused to go back, this was what would be released.

Kara looked at me sadly and I simply put my guitar down and left it all in the studio and walked out, I went to Carters and spent time there with him, Danielle and Cameron and it helped, it helped a lot.