Illusion | Harry Styles AU

Punctured Hearts

My mind was wasting away and my body was becoming frail. I couldn't sleep or eat, and I came to the point where I couldn't party. The smell of vodka made me throw up. I became weak, and exhausted. I begged my parents for help, real help. I suppose I figured once I got actually help for my issues, I could drink and take my pills and actually be able to feel happy once the effects had worn off. I felt afraid of myself and what I could do. I needed help before I became really insane.

There were very few things that could take my mind off my situation, legal things at least. Darkness is the main one. I quite like the darkness, for more than one reason. The first is the fear. I like fear. It's a feeling, if nothing else, and feeling anything is better than feeling nothing in my mind. There's a fear of the unknown, a fear of blindly trusting the black space around you. I don't trust people. But I trust darkness, no matter how strange this might seem. I've never been like other people, and I never will be. My love of the darkness is just another reason to push away from the rest of the world.

I've become very pushed away from the rest of the world, as time has gone on. I find humans arrogant, and annoying, full of stupid ideas. Sometimes I'm ashamed to be human myself. Society is such a twisted thing, all those hateful people whispering words of approval to each other, causing mayhem without fail. People talk so loudly and about such stupid things. I cannot stand it. So the second reason I crave the darkness is the quiet. Daylight is for living, nighttime is for sleeping. Everyone knows that. Darkness is beautiful, because oftentimes darkness leaves you alone. I cannot think without the darkness.

And the third reason I love darkness is because it hides me. People- those people I hate- they can't see me in the dark. They can't see my worries, my flaws, or my problems. Darkness allows me to be free of judgement, and free of everything. Being hidden is a beautiful thing, a haunting idea, but wonderful to experience. Until it becomes too much.

The only time I don't like darkness is when it becomes too much. When the darkness consumes me until I can't breathe or think or speak, and my mouth tastes rusty from blood and my body shivers with cold and uncertainty. Darkness can hide me, but sometimes I'm hidden a little too well. The old therapist I had for the first few months after the suicide attempt told me I liked the darkness because I had depression. It all leads back to my depression- everything about me.

This is why I listen to music every second of the day, and this is why I hate people, all people. This is why I wait for the darkness and greet it like an old friend. This is why sometimes everything becomes too much for me. My vision swirls and my head pounds, a single thought pulsing through my veins- the thought of killing myself. According to the doctors, this can be blamed on the fact I have clinical depression and suicidal tendencies. To them, I am not a real person with feelings and ideas. I am merely a word, an illness, nothing more. My depression is all I have. Maybe that is why I cling to it.

I don't tell those same doctors about the pills I'm still addiction to, the ones that numb the pain. I cannot bring myself to explain the voices I hear inside my head. Those are the sorts of secrets I will always keep hidden, until darkness swallows me whole and I break down in tears because all these fucking secrets control my mind. I think I'm too broken to be fixed. The lines between what's real and what isn't are blurred for me, and those pills are the only way I can sort things out.

Usually I'm almost okay with this. I'm trying to get myself off the pills because sometimes they betray me, and bad things happen. The darkness is like this, too. So easy and forgiving and strangely lovely, until they betray me and I'm left with a bitter reminder I am alone and always will be. But I don't like to think about those moments, so I turn to the pills and darkness again. It's a very vicious cycle, but I can't imagine life without it. I don't even know if I want to. Living with happiness is out of the question for me. I'd rather just give in to all my demons and kill myself.