IF I FALL - #Wattys2016

WHEN I OPENED MY EYES | LYA

"You should sleep some more" I said while kissing his forehead.

"Nah... I'm just gonna hop in the shower and head to the hospital... Her mother is probably be there already"

I understood. I was restless too, even though I couldn't pretend to know how he felt. He sounded incredibly calm and composed. It was nothing like that time, at Mike's party, when he learned Sarah had been in an accident and left without letting me know.

I couldn't understand how he managed to kept his cool that morning. But thinking about it, he was maybe doing his best in order to not get me worried.

"Then I'm coming with you" I said while holding his hand.

He looked at me, half surprised, but simply noded for all answer and took me with him to the shower.

We rode the train until the hospital in a complete silence. I kept remembering the last conversation I had with Sarah. I kept remembering her smile when knocking at my door. That smile that was nothing but honest. I kept remembering her words.

Even though I knew I hurt her with my selfishness, I was a million miles from imagining it hurt her that badly. I stupidly tried to compare my pain when Tom and I broke up to her, when there was nothing to compare. The truth is I had no idea about how she felt. Even if I pretended to care, I actually never did. I was just to soaked into my happiness with Tom that I deliberately set aside the fact that she was probably suffering from our actions.

Even though we did what we thought right, maybe we should have thought this through before. I should have been a better friend to her and thought about her feelings more. But no... I just put myself first and that was all what mattered to me: my own little happiness.

I pretended to care when I did nothing to actually help her. I never went to see her. I never tried to talk to her. She did. And even when she came to me, instead of listening and understanding, I got irritated. I didn't want to listen. I pretended to be her friend when I was the reason of her pain... And I just never cared.

I had this horrible feeling in me. A terrible feeling of guilt. The feeling you get when you realize how much of an awful person you are.

I used to think I was a good person. I used to think I was there for the people who mattered to me. I thought it so much that managed to convince myself. But thinking back... Who have I ever cared for beside me? I used to have people I called friends in high school. I relied on them for years while feeding them a lie all along. When I left, I just disappeared and never gave news because I no longer needed them. Not once I have thought about them since. Not once I have wondered how they must have felt.

Same goes for Sarah. Once she was becoming a nuisance to get what I wanted, I just stopped caring and never thought about her feelings.

So what about Tom? Would I do the same to him once he would become an obstacle to what I want? Was it what Sarah meant when she asked me if I was ready to give up on everything for him?

I looked at Tom who was resting his eyes. No way... I never cared for anyone like I care about him. I never loved anyone before I met him. He was what I wanted the most. He was my everything. How could I give up on the only person that makes me happy on this planet?

I wondered what was going on in his mind. I wondered if he was also thinking about the reasons that led Sarah to do such a thing. I wondered if he felt the same guilt I was feeling.

Once we get to the waiting room of the intensive care unit, Mike was already there, holding the hand of a woman I never saw before. I immediately assumed she was Sarah's mother. There was no doubt about it. She had the same blue eyes, the same doll face, the same long black hair.