As someone who first hand has struggled with the demons of depression, I have seen the darkest corners of the world.
I have seen the cuts left by the blade upon skin, the emptiness that can numb the heart, the fear of love one can develop, and the hopelessness that obliterates motivation. All in all, these things are alike. Though one may not push a blade into their skin, they may indulge in alcohol or other substances, or get involved in risky sexual entanglements. All in all, each seeks to relieve pain and forget.
At the dawn of my dark days, I sought love to fill me but I was abandoned. This left me more empty. I was a depressed wreckage of a man who wanted to share my burdens with a lover. She was a decent woman,who at first tried to help, but she quit after much turmoil and found someone else.
I was left with simple words that conveyed a complicated assortment of ideas. My heart shattered into a million pieces and it felt as if it had stopped beating. I ran into the night with heart ache and the feelings of worthlessness. I came upon a bridge and I paused. I looked over the edge and down upon the water below. It reflected the faint glow of the moon above. I relayed her a message that I would not continue to live and had decided that I would jump from the bridge. She did not reply. I stared and cried. I tossed my Bible into the water and watched it sink. I stared and stared. I could not move. I could only stare.
I was overcome with feelings that made my body shudder and the realization that I was surely all alone- that the world I lived in was a sad one- that two people could be in close proximity but world's apart. It was a surreal dream. The coldest realization was that- in black and white terms, I was nothing. The fact was that my life was but a monologue, a story written a hundred times.
One particular beautiful thing about this experience was that I could now live. Being so close to death made me realize how far away I was from life. I was an echo among a thousand voices, but no more I proclaimed. I changed in a swift morning. I refused to accept another's definition of my life.
