Stay

eighteen

"I just think he needs to ease into coming home and that includes as minimal interactions as possible. Let him comes to terms with seeing you again. You need to be ready to see him also. We all, as a family, need to take baby steps with this. We all need to heal together."

"That's bullshit mom. I need to see Alex and I'm not waiting any longer. He's ignored me long enough!" I growl, frustration pooling in the bottom of my stomach. I want to go with them. I want Alex to know that I'm not mad at him and I don't blame him for anything, even if he blames me for everything. My mom gives me a hard look, her dark brown eyes unrelenting. I feel myself quickly losing this battle, causing panic and anxiety to swirl around inside of me. She has to let me go.

"Please mom," I beg, my voice cracking. "Let me go with you guys. I've been away from my big brother long enough." My mom's eyes soften and I know I've won even before she says anything else.

"Fine! But-" My mom relents and I muffle her words by tackling her into a hug, squeezing her tight while mumbling my thanks.

"Thank you so much, mom! I can't believe Alex is actually coming home. This feels so surreal." I say, the full impact of the situation just now hitting me. What would things at the house be like when he's back? What if he relapses again? Will he be back for good this time?

"Not so quick. I have a few conditions," She exclaims, causing me to throw my head back and groan. Of course, she does.

"You have to pass all of your finals with a C+ or better. Your lowest grade on your report card better be a C. And I want you to spend Christmas Eve with your father and Karen's family with no complaints or whining this year. You have to be on your absolute best behavior."

"I seriously have to get along with Karen?"

"Lilly! I'm being serious." She scolds. I sigh in defeat.

"Fine. I will abide by all rules. Is Karen going with Dad?" I ask curiously.

"No. We all three decided it would be the best thing for Alex if she wasn't there. Your father will be staying in a separate hotel room. We were going to allow Alex to choose who he would room with but since you're coming we'll have to arrange something."

"Okay, mom. Yell for me when dinner's done, okay?" When she nods yes, I walk out of the kitchen, making my way upstairs to my bedroom. Face planting on my bed, I thought about what next Saturday will bring. I want to ask Alex why he cut all communication with me, even though I fear I know the answer. I need to hear it from his mouth. I can't wait for him to come home first. The events of last summer are suddenly inescapable and I can't discern the difference between what actually happened and what my mind conjured up.

I'm excited and terrified for Alex's return. What if the events of last summer repeat themselves?

And what if Alex doesn't survive this time? I'd never forgive myself.

I'm the only one to blame for what happened the last time Alex came home. And it can't happen ever again. I need to talk to Alex and ask him to forgive me.

Maybe then I could learn to forgive myself.

***

"That final was awful. I literally feel like the dumbest person alive." I groan, walking with Lou to the cafeteria. She rolls her eyes at me and caps her red lipstick.

"It wasn't that bad. I swear a ton of it was review from French II." Lou says casually. Now I roll my eyes.

"Of course you'd say that."

"Hey! Don't be a bitch. I bet you didn't do as bad as you think you did."

"And I bet that pigs can fly," I snort and Lou punches my arm. After we stood in line and bought our lunch we made our way to the table to greet everyone. Sitting down, Justin throws his arm over my shoulder and I snuggle into him. Between baseball practice and studying for finals, we haven't seen much of each other. I missed how much his presence calms me. If I'm being honest I've just missed him.