Captain America Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Steve Rogers Fan Fic - The Constant

Chapter Thirty-Five: The Constant & Winter Soldier - What Have You Done To Me?

You pull your plait forward and release the hair into a pony tail. To you it is dull; you do not see the different colours in it that reminded James of sable fur. Hers is black, just one tone but beautifully coiffed. Her eyes are so delicate and clear; you look into yours and you see the pain in them. They are so large, and to you just plain but to everyone who knows you they have the capacity to show all of your honest emotions.

You can't look any more, and instead you move away and into the other room. He will be back soon and you can't help but wonder if he has been with her instead of the additional training as he said he was. Then it occurs to you...will he be back or will you get a message from one of the guards to say he is busy and won't return until tomorrow, if at all?

You pace up and down. You can't settle, and as you pace you get angry, with him, but truly with yourself. As you walk you have arguments in your mind with him. You ask if he is sleeping with her and he tells you it is none of your business. By the time you finish you are totally convinced: he is going to leave you, you hate him in that moment.

But you hate yourself more.

There is a pair of scissors on the table and you take them and open and close the blades, then moving to the bathroom mirror you look at yourself, you look at your hair. It has not been cut since you were six years old and your mother had caught you cutting it; she had been so upset and you couldn't understand why. She made you promise never to cut it. You didn't want to make her ill again.

But now you are so angry that you want to do something. You take some of your hair in your hand and place it between the blades and cut, but it is so thick it won't cut at all. The scissors are too blunt.

"Goddamn you," you shout and try again, but this time someone stops you. It is the Winter Soldier. He is stood next to you and before you can react he takes the scissors out of your hand.

"What are you doing?" he asks in bewilderment.

You look at him in the mirror and he sees an anger in your eyes he has never seen before. Your eyes are red-rimmed, as if you have been crying.

"What's wrong? What are you doing?"

You turn around and try and take the scissors.

"I'm cutting my bloody goddamn hair, not that it's any of your business." But you can't get at them, he holds them up high where you can't reach them. He doesn't want you to cut your hair.

He makes the mistake of smiling at you as if he is amused. He is not being funny with you; it is more of a nervous gesture because this isn't you and he doesn't know how to react. He rarely hears you curse. And he has been out of cryo long enough to start knowing what you truly mean to him.

You walk out of the bathroom and slam things around. You are so angry you feel like you are going to burst.

He follows you. To his knowledge, you have never been like this before.

"What is it? What's happened?" He keeps his voice neutral.

"As if you would care," you mutter.

You feel his hand on your shoulder and you shrug away from him. You want this man so much, even through all the mental and physical abuse you still want him, not just to sleep with but to hold you, to love you; for you to be his world as much as he is yours...but that will never happen. You feel so angry with everything, so angry with the world.

You are going to lose him, and that thought stops you.

He sees your shoulders slump as if you are suddenly tired, and he pulls you around to face him.