The Girl in Blue

39- The Girl Gets Emotional

Not wanting to cry in front of all of the people in my living room right now, I just step away and hurry down the hallway to my bedroom. I shut the door and let the tears fall. I try to tell myself to get it together because everybody out there is partially here to celebrate me. Levi too but they're my friends so mostly me. I can't just sit in here and cry all night. Most of them probably know that I'm in here crying, and why I'm crying. That just makes me feel so much worse.

I'm facing away from the door when it opens. I want to be left alone to get my shit together but I should have known that Sutton would come in to talk to me.

"Sutton, I don't-" I'm about to tell her that I don't need to be consoled but when I turn around, it's Levi standing in my doorway, looking at my tear soaked face and I still can't stop crying like a little bitch. "Sorry, I'll be out in a minute."

"Lana," He says my name as he shuts the door to give us some privacy away from the big crowd in the living room. He doesn't say anything else but he looks so concerned, like he wishes that he knew the right thing to say but it's just not there.

"I'm fine, honest," I assure him with a crying sniffle. "Just feeling a bit dramatic today, I guess."

"I didn't mean for any of this to happen," He finally says. "I hate that I'm hurting you like this."

"It's not your fault," I say to him, drying my tears with the back of my hand. I'm wearing a nice dress just to be a little fancy for the party that I've thrown and I don't want to get my tears or snot on it. "I love you because you're kind and sweet and you can't feel bad for being an amazing person."

He looks at me surprised, probably because I just said that I love him. I think that I do though. I can't be completely sure because Sutton thinks that it's just a crush and that because I have no experience with this, I just think that it's love. So maybe I don't love him but I can feel my chest aching right now and it feels like love to me. Just me.

"Lana," He says my name again but he's still at a loss for words.

"It's fine," I sniffle again and I'm finally sobering up, which is good so that we can go back to the party, drink a little bit of beer, and move on. After tonight, he's leaving to go home and then on Saturday, I'm going back to my home so the next time that I'll see him will be at the Near Year's Eve gala and he'll be with Addison. I'll be okay, I just need to get over this. "I'm a big girl, I'll get over myself eventually."

He looks at me like he's thinking about something but I can't really tell what he's thinking about or why he's not saying anything. Then he starts moving toward me and I've stopped breathing. He looks like he's going to kiss me but by the time that I have my mouth open to tell him not to, he's already doing it.

Our lips meet and I'm immediately relieved that he got to me before I could tell him no. I know that this is wrong because he has a girlfriend but it doesn't feel wrong. It feels like the most amazing moment of my entire life. I didn't realize how cold I had felt before but his lips warm my entire body. He wraps his arms around my waist and presses my back against my bedroom wall and the kiss is longer than I ever would have expected. It's better than I'd ever imagined it being. And I have imagined this a thousand times in my head.

I've always been a descriptive person, it helps when I'm writing scripts, but I cannot find the words in my mind to describe this kiss. I can't find any words at all. It's like nothing else exists, except for me and Levi tangled together in this kiss that I wish could last forever.

But it doesn't. Eventually, one of us pulls away and Levi steps back. We're both out of breath, my lipstick is all over his lips now and I'm sure it's pretty smeared on my face too.

We both just stare at each other, waiting for the other one to speak.

Eventually, I get a sense of reality again and I realize that what we just did was really and incredibly wrong. "You have a girlfriend," I remind him as I grab a tissue out of the tissue box on my desk and I hand it to him.

"I know," He mutters and leaves it at that without any more explanation.

"We can't do this," I say, looking in the mirror I have on my wall to try and fix up my lipstick because we can't go back out there looking like this. "It's wrong."

"I know," He says again. "I just wanted to know if we had a chance."

"You could tell that by kissing me?" I wonder with raised eyebrows. "What am I saying? Of course you can, you fucking romantic. So what's the verdict?"

"I..." He trails off, trying to find the right words to say as if there are any right words to say in this situation. "I don't know. I love Addison."

"Right, well then there's the decision right there," I remind him. "We'll just pretend like this just didn't happen. Everybody is out there for us, we can't just sit in here and talk about our feelings all day. Get cleaned up and I'll see you out there."

"Are you going to be okay?" He asks me.

"Of course," I assure him. "Everybody keeps telling me that I'm strong so I guess that means that I'll be okay. What other choice do I have?"