Light in Dark Places

Chapter Forty-Eight

"OK," Downing says. "Take your cell phone."

Benedict's heart beats fast; he can't tell if he's excited or terrified.

It'll be fine, beloved, Hiraeth says.

*

Agatha doesn't have to ask anyone's permission. She just quietly slips out of the Academy housing.

She is not scared or excited. Instead, she keeps thinking about what Connie said. Taking the first step usually means the same journey. Or at least, it could.

She hopes that's not true.

*

"I can't believe you have a minivan," Joan says, marveling.

"It was my mom's car," Schwartz says, defensively. "And don't you dare say anything disparaging about Lola, because she's my baby."

Schwartz strokes the beige minivan lovingly. Joan decides she's not going to say anything about the silhouette of a sexy librarian painted on the side of the minivan.

"Can I have shotgun?"

"Nice try, Princess, but I have standing shotgun rules when I'm not the driver," Jude says.

With this many people in the car, Joan figures it only makes sense not to have Jude in the back seat next to anyone.

"It's very unfair," Marco tells her. "He got shotgun even when it was just the three of us."

"My legs are so much longer than yours," Jude says.

"You're a dick," Marco replies.

*

The last time Benedict drove through the desert at night it was on the joyride with Hernandez. He was also crammed in the backseat with other people; bodies that pressed up against his and would occasionally elbow him when they moved forward or laughed too hard.

Now, he sits between Joan and the window. Agatha sits on the other side of Joan, Marco and Connie have the seats in front of theirs. There isn't any laughter, but it's still comfortable.

"OK," says Marco, "OK, so, how exactly are we getting past the armed gods and into the death chambers?"

*

The last time Joan drove through the desert it was with Jisu, and there was a frantic air brought on by the urgency of the Misery attack.

This time there is still a sense of urgency—as well as a kind of somber feeling, as if no one thinks too hard about the implications of what it is Joan wants to do.

But there's still a place for Joan to stare out the window. It's so incredibly dark out there. Joan can't remember it ever being so dark in Callifrey. The only light is right above them from the headlights on Schwartz's van.

Outside is nothing but dark.

It is strangely peaceful.

"Easy as pie," Schwartz answers Marco's question. "It'll be just like sneaking into the movie theater."

"Yes. Exactly like that. Guards who are trained to shoot on sight and everything," Jude replies.

Already, Joan starts to feel guilty. Not about what she's about to do, but because she brought them with her. She shouldn't have brought them with her. She should have just gone by herself, endangered only herself.

(And how would you have got yourself to the desert? a snide voice deep within asks. You can't drive. You can't sneak past armed guards on your own. You can't do anything on your own.

Maybe I can drive, Joan tries to reason with herself. I know how to do a lot of other things I shouldn't know how to do. Maybe I learned how to drive in Misery.

Or maybe, that ugly voice says, maybe you don't really want to Sacrifice yourself. Maybe you're hoping one of the others will do it for you.

Oh Ashes, shut up, shut up, that isn't true. That ISN'T true.

It's not true, but Joan is deeply ashamed that she even had the thought. She really is the worst person in the world.)

*

"Shouldn't we— I don't know, are we not going to talk about it at all?" Marco asks. "It's the First Taboo."

"I did a few more tarot readings," Jude says. Agatha can't see him in the darkness, but she knows from the tone of his voice that his jaw is tight and that his fingers are clenched tightly together. "They all got increasingly clearer."

"I asked my moms to do a reading," Schwartz says. "I didn't give them specifics! Just a, 'I have a decision I need to make, and I'm torn between options' kind of way. Whatever they saw freaked them both out really bad. Mutti said it was some epic shit and whatever it was I had better do it or the world would far apart. So. I have my moms' permission to break the First Taboo."

"That's nice," Marco says glumly, "I'm pretty sure I'm going to be grounded for life after this."

"Look on the bright side. Maybe you'll die," Jude says.

"One can hope," Marco agrees.