America: 50☆Stars (Vol. 1)

Episode 33: How Do You Even Get A Pet Tiger?

"Good! Good!" She nods. "I'll be getting Colorado out of trouble, so... Yeah!"

"Alright. Take care."

"Yeah. Take care." Texas walks off. Once Montana's back is turned, her walk turns into a dash. When she gets to her truck, she texts Colorado: What's the address?

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"How do you even get a pet tiger?" Colorado asks Texas as they stand in profound shock, unable to take their eyes off the big, exotic cat.

She scoffs, "First off, how did you end up in this crackhouse?"

He scratches the back of his head. "Well, I wanted to get high and relieve some stress. After meeting a bunch of dudes, I ended up here. I thought it was empty until..." His arms gesture to the tiger in the cage. "Seriously, how do you even get a pet tiger?"

She shrugs. "Probably the same place you get cocaine." She takes a couple of cautious steps toward the cage, leaning down to get a closer look of the tiger. "He looks healthy and well-fed, so someone has been taking care of him."

Other than that, everything about this situation is unacceptable. The cage is by far the biggest offender. It takes up a third of the room, limiting the tiger, an animal that's known to cover miles of territory, to move around in an area of less than fifty square feet. Not only is the cell too small and too pathetic, it's too poor in condition. The barred sides are amateur in design. Not to mention, they're rusty from a lack of maintenance. If the tiger felt like it, it can easily knock the bars down and escape rather easily. It's baffling how such a majestic, endangered creature can tolerate living in prison full of moldy hay and dried feces. In fact, who in their crazy mind thinks this kind of environment is acceptable, or thinks this is a good idea?

Colorado breathes in his joint, letting the cannabis calm his frustration. "He looks so tame... You think he's trained?"

"Maybe. He probably came there as a cub, most likely taught to associate humans with food." She offers her hand to the tiger.

Colorado's eyes grow large. "Dude."

"Relax. He isn't going to hurt me." She lets the tiger sniff her hand.

"Tex. I may be high, but that's clearly not a dog. That's a tiger. And definitely not the one from the cereal box."

"You took a selfie with it. And look." The tiger nuzzles her hand. "Aw~ He likes me."

He stares at her in disbelief. "Are you getting high from the secondhand smoke?"

She scratches behind the tiger's ear, getting a happy chuff from the striped feline. "Aw~ You like that, big boy." She scratches his butt.

"Tex, we need to get this tiger outta here."

"Right." She stands straight up. "Let's take him back to my house."

"Great- wait, what?" He gapes at her. "That sounds cool and all, but you can't keep a tiger."

"Yeah, I can."

"No, you can't."

She smirks. "Yeah, I can. Watch me."

~ Hetalia! ~

"I can't believe it..." Colorado mutters.

He and Texas watch the tiger roam around in a fenced enclosure on Texas's ranch, admiring the endangered animal from a safe distance from behind a tall, sturdy, chain-link fence. The weather may be a bit chilly, but the tiger doesn't seem to mind, too busy taking in the outdoor air. For a moment, the tiger stands still, his eyes stare elsewhere, enchanted by the sunlight brightening his colorful surroundings.

'What is this?' the tiger thinks to himself. 'The air... It doesn't taste stagnant. It tastes... good. It tastes... fresh. It feels... nice. Yeah... It feels nice.' He slowly roams around his enclosure, taking his time to explore his new home.

Texas's chest puffs up with pride. "See!"

Colorado flips through a Texas lawbook. "So, it's illegal to smoke marijuana, but owning a ferocious, man-eating tiger is A-ok in your home."

"That's about right."

"That sounds backwards." He throws the book over his shoulder.

"Better than that crackhouse at least. Besides, look at him. He's clearly happy here." She points at the tiger rolling around in the grass. She softly smiles. "I think... I think that's the first time he has ever stepped foot on grass."

Despite his gripes, Colorado can't deny the enclosure Texas made is much better for the tiger's well-being. He watches the tiger roll over in the grass with a smile on his face. "Are you sure you can handle keeping a tiger?"

She raises an eyebrow. "Is that a challenge?"

"I mean, it's cool you're taking responsibility, but it's going to take a lot of work caring for him."

"So is owning three dogs, a horse, an armadillo, and a herd of Texas Longhorns. Don't get me started on the zebras and-"

"Wait, wait, wait... You have what?"

"You heard me. I got zebras, gazelles, camels, antelopes... I basically have my own safari." She carries a bucket of feed to a herd of zebras.

He can't believe his eyes. "Did you... Did you steal from Africa?"

"Have you heard of this thing called oil?" She throws a couple of beef steaks into the tiger's enclosure.

He scowls. "And people complain I'm lenient with my laws..."

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+ On February 12, 2019, a couple of stoners went into an abandoned house located southeast of Houston, Texas with intentions to smoke some pot. What they found inside the house surprised them: a one-year old tiger in a cage that was barely secured by a nylon strap. In concern for the animal's well-being, they made an anonymous call to get the tiger out of there. The tiger, named Tyson after "The Hangover", was taken out of the abandoned house and transported to his permanent home at Cleveland Amory Black Beauty Ranch, an animal sanctuary located south of Dallas.

- As of April 12, 2019, some Texas lawmakers are trying to gain support for a bill that'll ban the ownership of exotic animals such as tigers. Until then, the ownership of tigers in Texas is still legal with a permit. Compared to various states like Wisconsin that are known for lax laws regarding ownership of exotic animals, Texas is 'well-suited' to maintain tigers as private pets thanks to the state's hot climate and the availability of cheap ranching land. In fact, it's possible there may be more captive tigers in Texas than the wild population left in Asia! Before anyone without a lick of common sense decides to get a tiger from their local black market, various cities like Houston ban owning tigers as pets, nor is it a good idea.

+ Safari parks in Texas (as well as in many states) have many species of exotic animals, notably herbivores from Africa. Here, I have Texas owning a safari as a joke. But thinking about it later, it actually sounds like something Texas would actually do.

- Texas owning a tiger is also supposed to be comedic. In reality, please don't support the illegal exotic animal trade. Just get a cat instead. For now, the tiger shown in this episode isn't 'officially' one of Texas's pets.

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