Desire | Shawn Mendes

FIFTY FOUR

"Alright, let's say that the biggest miracle of all miracles happens and she does have this baby normally, and she doesn't even have to get a hysterectomy. What then?" Shawn asked.

His hand kept a strong grip on mine as he squeezed it. I could only stare at the pamphlets on his desk as I felt numb.

"Could we still try?" Shawn adds on.

"You could." Dr. Montoya says. "But I wouldn't recommend it."

"Why the hell not?" Shawn asks.

"This is a lot of physical pain we would be putting Jasmine through. The next time you would try to conceive it would be extremely painful on her and her periods will have her in intense pain. Not to mention, infertility is a very big factor here. It would be mentally and emotionally painful."

"Mentally?" Shawn asks.

"He's saying I could get depressed." I tell Shawn.

"Jasmine?" Shawn's voice says from the other side of the door. "Please don't think that this is your fault."

"But it is." I sob. "It is all my fault."

"How is this your fault?" Shawn asks me.

"It's my karma."

"Don't. Don't you dare say that babe."

"It is! Shawn." I get up from the tub and head over to the door. "Please go be with someone else who can give you the children you want. I don't want to make you feel like you have to stay."

"I said that we were in this together and I meant every single word that I said. I mean if Jasmine. You and me. Remember? It's just us? Well Jasmine, it's just us so I need you to open up and let me hold you while I tell you this. Can I please hold you?" Shawn pleads and I step away from the door to go lie down in the tub. "Honey? Please let me in."

I continue to cry as I deal with the consequences of karma. This is what I get for aborting the baby. This is what I get for turning down his proposal. This is what I get for cheating. This is the universe telling me that I'm a terrible person and nothing can change my mind about it. I'm a terrible, terrible person who deserved to be punished and if this was my punishment, then I suppose it's what I deserved.

With a sigh, I step out of the tub and contemplate on what I want to do right now. I no longer hear Shawn outside and I get down on the ground to peek through the crack, but don't see his shadow. I get back up and run warm water as I prepare for a bath.

"What are your views to adoption? Or even to having a surrogate? Most parents look into it, and I could even give you a few numbers of trusted surrogates that I've delivered." Dr. Montoya says.

"How long would adoption take?" Shawn asked. "Dr., I don't want us to give up so easily. We're gonna keep trying for this. I mean, you said it yourself that it was a miracle that she was able to conceive so quickly. Isn't that a good sign already? And she's already a month along."

I begin to undress and step into the warm tub that had been coated in bubbles and tie my hair up into a low bun. My back rests against the wall of the tub while I hug my knees, resting my chin against my knees. The water continued to run and I closed my eyes while trying to focus on my breathing. Tears still slid out, but not as many. With the tub three quarters full, I stopped the water and placed my cheek against my knees as I felt nothing, absolutely nothing at all.

The doorknob rattled before the door opened and I see Shawn walk in with a grilled cheese in one hand and a wine glass of grape juice in the other.