The Baron and his Lady

Forty: The Given Forgiveness

"Then what Claus?"

"Lucian, please do not let the truth mar your feelings for Yra. She did what she thought was right. I will not continue if you will only hate her or the memory of her."

I could feel the anger rising on my face, it has been so long since I pictured her in my mind. She will always have a place in my heart though I have accepted that she was gone. How much of the truth can I accept? Would my love for her be enough to forgive any faults? I remembered her smiles, her laughter and the first time she looked at my eyes when I first kissed her. She was my great love. The woman I would've turned the world against with. But I can't just live with those memories, our love wasn't perfect. It was so flawed that I was ready to leave my inheritance just to be with her without thinking about the consequences. Perhaps, if I learned the truth I would be able to free myself from the past.

"Tell me, Claus. And let me be the judge of my feelings."

He hesitated. I held his gaze, giving him the look that I would beat him if he won't start talking. He finally averted his gaze and continued the story.

"She took her own life." He looked me in the eyes again, "Yra stabbed herself and died. There was nothing I could do and so I threw her off the river. Where she wa found later that day."

I collapsed on the bed, still concious but barely feeling anything. She would of course, that would have been the only way she could save her family and spare me the trouble of chasing after her. I wanted to scream. To throw things. But my hands were limp. My body was too heavy that I just wished the bed would consume me.

She may have spared me a great deal of heartache should she had left and gone away. But she had been selfish to think that ending her life would solve everything. When in fact it merely worsened the matters. Her family lived, I knew because they visited me often after she died. They blamed me for her death. And I dis nothing to dissuade them, they lost a daughter, a sister and a child. While I, in my own pitiful way, lost the only woman I ever loved. I guess I let it happen because I blamed myself, too. If I left her alone and ignored the stirring in my heart she may have lived longer. But then, I wouldn't be here.

I wouldn't have met Krista.

That thought brought me back to reality. Yra was gone, her memory remained and would continue to do so for as long as I lived. But she wasn't here anymore. I have accepted her loss. My heart had mended it's way back. And now, I have Krista. She was alive, warm and within reach. She was real. Why should I hold a grudge to someone I would never hold again when I have the very dream I always wished for waiting for me?

I accepted the pain Yra caused and let it linger for awhile. Then I pictured her inside my head, the same way she did before she died. Beautiful and innocent.

"I'm sorry Lucian. If I knew my death would cause such tragedy I would've just accepted the money and disappeared."

I reached out and touched her cheek, she smiled sadly at me. "Don't blame yourself Yra, there was no way we would've known what happened next. I do not hate you for what you did."

"But it saddens me that you lived all these years in solitude. You deserve to be happy again, my love."

The endearment lurched my heart. It felt good to hear her say it again. I fought back the tears, "I am happy once again Yra. I have found someone who loved me dearly."

Her smile had been genuine this time, "Then let me go Lucian. Let me go and be with her."

"What do you mean? I have accepted that you are gone. Is it a crime to keep a few memories of you?"

"No it is not. But you are still keeping a chain to the past, you have to let it all go Lucian. I can feel your anger and I know I deserved that. But once you learn to accept it and let it go, only then you can love her without reservations."

"I love Krista with all my heart."

"Yes, I can see that. But that anger you have for me will do you no good. You cannot always think that I hurt you because you would believe she would, too. Let go Lucian. See her for who she is. I am not her and nor she is me. She will not leave you like I did."

I wanted to argue with her but somehow she was right. There was that heavy feeling I had at the back of my mind but only today have I learned what it was. I was angry with Yra for leaving me. And as much as I hate to say it, I believed Krista would leave me, too. She did not deserve those thoughts, after everything that she had been through just to get to me. I should never have doubted her. Her love was true.

"I know that now, Yra. I will try to forgive you and myself."

Yra leaned closer and laid a gentle kiss on my lips. "Then you shall be free, my love."

I opened my eyes and realized I had been crying. She was gone. Truly and utterly gone now. But she had broken the chains and I nevee felt so free all my life. It was at that moment I knew, I have forgiven her.